1. Robb Stark
A respected member of the paper industry once asked, “Would you rather be feared or loved?” When you have both like Robb Stark, you tend to be at the top of lists. Still undefeated in battle, revered by his soldiers, and always the subject of Lannister conversation. However, one must wonder if this new love interest will help or hinder The King of the North?
2. Stannis Baratheon
Despite not being seen in the last episode, Stannis still has a big ass army after Smokey the Bandit did away with brother Renley. Now the rightful heir has his sights on the Iron Throne. In a deleted scene, Stannis sends a raven with the message, “Who? Who? Who gunna stop me?”
3. Tyrion Lannister
Really needs to start carrying baby powder around if he plans to keep doling out punishment with the back of his hand. There are few things that are guaranteed in this world: death, taxes, and clever dialogue when Peter Dinklage is on screen. Many an eyebrow rose after his sister made her intentions of punishing him known and instead of declaring a rap battle, he just walked away. He certainly didn’t appreciate the threat, but he definitely knows when to pick his battles.
4. Joffrey Baratheon
It’s impossible to rank this green ruler any lower because he still has what EVERYBODY wants. He is hated by his subjects and he hates them in return. You need to think about divorce at that point in a relationship. In unrelated news, watching Joffrey hurt brings me pleasure. The cow pie to the face AND another Tyrion pimp slap? That, my friends, is satisfaction.
5. Theon Greyjoy
Ballsy move Mr. Greyjoy. You made a crippled child yield his castle while the troops were away. Clever girl. After that impressive beheading, you should probably do a few pushups and work on your sword wielding skills. You’re probably going to need them..
6. Petyr Baelish
If Littlefinger wasn’t such a conniving weasel, you’d almost admire him for being such a social networker. The guy really does get around from camp to camp, brown nosing with all the popular kids. He lays out a proposition for Lord Tywin that (naturally) keeps everyone in the dark besides himself and the Lannisters. I knew girls like Baelish in high school.
7. Catelyn Stark
Cat shows up for nothing more than to promote organized weddings, in the process putting the hammer down on Robb’s one-eyed monster. Wait, the one-eyed monster hasn’t shown up yet? That’s gotta be next season.. (Sorry, I hate spoilers too.)
8. Cersei Lannister
Cersei sure has a flare for the dramatics. It’s understandable that she was pretty torn up watching Myrcella be shipped away to Dorne, but to promise that world of hurt on your own brother in such flowery language was callous stuff.
9. Arya Stark
Arya continues to tiptoe her new role of spy inside the stronghold of Harrenhaal. It feels wrong putting such a tough cookie so low on the list, but she is still a hostage. Arya will continue to have a leg up on Papa Lannister for as long as she can keep her cards off the table. She also has a certain assassin tag-team partner who owes her one more death. After that tattletale guard got snuffed, you have to think the third and final hit is going to be someone of importance.
10. Tywin Lannister
As Lord Tywin deals with that incompetent swine inside the strategy meeting, you almost feel bad for the guy. Fighting a battle he wants no part in, but cannot ignore because his family name is at fault. Like all people with problems, the man found the time to vent to Arya. He clearly respects his new cup holder too much, and in the process gets duped by the wee Stark.
11. Jon Snow
The overzealous Snowman got his wish and is finally a ranger for the Night’s Watch. However, on his first real mission, he can’t follow through on an order and subsequently ends up chasing Ygritte the redheaded wildling deep across the Frostfangs. It’s real typical for a guy to lose his friends when he has a saucy minx to spoon on cold nights. Has Jon found his manic pixie dream girl?
12. Bran Stark
Yielding the castle to that backstabbing Greyjoy boy makes the young lord take a hit; but on the bright side, how many people can say all their dreams come true?
13. Sansa Stark
The little bird came that close to becoming a statistic. Big ups to the Hound for keeping this flower from getting plucked in the King’s Landing riot.
14. Daenerys Targaryen
You know that sick feeling when you look out into the backyard and can’t find your dog? “Who left the gate open?! Where’s Fudge-Puppy?!?” The mother of dragons is looking like a real deadbeat right about now.
15. Jamie Lannister
Still in a cage. *cough loser cough*
Honorable Mention - The Spice King
This guy really knows how to shatter a girl’s hopes and dreams. Just keeping kids in check like a boss. The fact that he is a grammar Nazi is kind of a bummer though. Nothing worse than one of those.
Come back next week after Episode 7 - “A Man Without Honor” for updated Game of Thrones Power Rankings! Re-post to your friends on Facebook and Twitter!