1. Stannis Baratheon
What are you more afraid of: the spider on the wall or the spider that crawled behind the wall that could attack at any time? Stannis is coming.
2. Robb Stark
“Don’t kill the messenger” is one of the rules of life. Inadvertent or not, Robb didn’t earn any good karma with the old gods (or even these new forgiving ones) by putting that Lannister boy in the loving arms of his cousin Jaime.
3. Tyrion Lannister
Peter Dinklage in Inception 2? Planting the idea that Joffrey has to get got was smooth enough to make Leo DiCaprio smile and take a walk. Then the internet rejoiced.
4. Catelyn Stark
Any time you command someone to stand down and they oblige, you increase your BAMF level.
5. Theon Greyjoy
People are allowed to change their minds, but only before they go too far. That’s why there’s a detour at the front of every roller coaster line. Prince Theon ignores the “turn back now or else” sign and continues to break bad by hunting children. By episode’s end, we know there is no saving this kraken.
7. Cersei Lannister
During Varys’ prolonged absence, Cersei has taken over the pole position of most memorable monologues delivered in the series. In other news, she is well on her way to completing the 12 step program after her memorable scene with Tyrion. Admitting you have a problem is the hardest part.
8. Tywin Lannister
Uh oh. Did Tywin say the words “this is what I’ll be remembered for” when talking about his role in the war? Speaking of your legacy is the same as signing your own death certificate in TV. But until the day comes, he’ll wax poetic with BFF Arya.
9. Bran Stark
Bran and Hodor – fugitives on the run. Chick magnets who drive with the top down blasting side one of Zeppelin IV. They learned that from Mike Damone.
10. Petyr Baelish
I REALLY don’t trust Baelish when he spends the whole episode off-screen.
11. Sansa Stark
Now for one week every month, Sansa can look forward to buying red wine and candy and spending nights at home in her pajamas. I did like the “flip the mattress” idea. Next best thing to putting down newspaper.
12. Arya Stark
The disguise is starting to slip. Arya is a perfect of example of all the people out there who are too damn smart for their crappy day job. Here’s to all you underachievers.
13. Daenerys Targaryen
Season 2 has been anything but kind to the Khaleesi. After losing her kids in the mall last week, she gets all emo and has an identity crisis. Then with her judgment clouded, she gets mixed up with a warlock. Didn’t your mother tell you to never get mixed up with warlocks?
14. Jon Snow
Poor Jon. There’s nothing worse than being taunted by a hippy chick about your chastity belt.
15. Jaime Lannister
Got out of the cage…but then he got caught. So he’s back in the cage…covered in poo.
*cough loser cough*