1. Beyoncè feat. Jay Z, “Drunk in Love”
King Bey wrote a song about being madly in love with her husband, and he responded with this: “In ‘97 I bite, I’m Ike, Turner, turn up / Baby no I don’t play / Now eat the cake, Anna Mae / Said, “Eat the cake, Anna Mae!” She offered to ride his surfbort, and he compared their relationship to Ike and Tina’s. Don’t be lazy, Jay. That’s not romance.
2. Pitbull feat. Ke$ha, “Timber”
OK, yes, technically this is a Pitbull song where Ke$ha is simply being featured. But ask yourself, do you remember the awesome chorus OR this incredibly unnerving line, “I’m slicker than an oil spill / she say she won’t, but I bet she will.” Gross.
3. Rihanna feat. Chris Brown, “Birthday Cake”
The beat is hot. The lyrics are hot. Rihanna is hot. Chris Brown’s verse is tepid at best. Not to mention the fact that this was a reconciliatory record for two people no one wanted to see reconcile. When Brown raps, “Doggy want the kitty / Give me a heart attack and throw it back,” I wish I could throw this remix back. Into the fiery pits of hell.
4. Pink feat. Eminem, “Here Comes the Weekend”
Pink is a goddess, but if there’s one thing I know about Eminem it’s that he needs to calm down. All the way down. ‘I’ll knock your dick in the dirt, bickerin worse / Than that bitch in that Snicker commercial.” I’d ask “Who hurt you?” if we didn’t already know.
5. Katy Perry feat. Kanye West, “E.T.”
“I’m tryna bathe my ape in your milky way.” Yeezy. What? WHAT? WHY?!
6. Lady Gaga feat. R. Kelly, “Do What U Want”
The saddest part of this one is that “Do What U Want” is really a dope song until R. Kelly hops on the track. Imagine dancing with all of your friends in the club, gyrating to the thumping bass line when your uncle comes up behind you and sings, “I could be the drink in your cup / I could be the green in your blunt.” No thanks, Uncle Robert. Gaga re-recorded the track with Christina Aguilera and it’s WAY BETTER.
7. Shania Twain feat. Mark McGrath, “Party for Two”
“You’ll be sexy in your socks / (we could polish the floors) / In case that anybody knocks / (Let’s lock all the doors).” Maybe this was supposed to be a comeback song for Mark McGrath or the beginning of a country career (worked for Darius Rucker). It obviously didn’t work out that way, and we’re all still trying to figure out what he means by “polish the floors.” Hmmmm.
8. Katy Perry feat. Juicy J, “Dark Horse”
“She’s a beast / I call her Karma (come back) / She eats your heart out / Like Jeffrey Dahmer.”Good rule of thumb: never compare your girl to a cannibal unless you’re Hall & Oates. Are you Hall & Oates, Juicy J?
9. Keri Hilson feat. Lil’ Wayne, “Turnin’ Me On”
“Dig your persona right / You look baby mama type / I know that got you kinda hyped / My ice is albino white.” Weezy hopped on the track and called Keri Hilson a “baby mama type” then insulted people living with albinism. It couldn’t get any worse. “I hope your vagina tight / I go under water and / I hope your piranha bite / Hot carter.” OH MY GOD IT GOT WORSE.
10. Miley Cyrus feat. French Montana, “FU”
There are people who don’t mind a request for sex mid-fight, I’m just not sure this is the smoothest way to go about asking. “You ain’t with it, could’ve said that / Why you tripping, let me hit that.”
11. Kid Rock feat. Sheryl Crow, “Picture”
Sheryl Crow could have sung this song with Lance Armstrong and it STILL would have been better than Kid Rock growling at his own acoustic guitar. “Been fuelin’ up on cocaine and whiskey / Wish I had a good girl to miss me.” Like, she’s just supposed to be home hoping you choose her over drugs and alcohol? This ain’t even that kind of party, Kid.
12. Jennifer Lopez feat. Fabolous, “Get Right”
No one likes a rapping guest artist on her track like J. Lo. Unfortunately, she keeps picking some less-than-stellar artists to accompany her. Fabolous is one of many. “I keep women in thongs comin’ along / Invisibly set stones, some of them prone.” Dude, what?
13. Jennifer Lopez feat. LL Cool J, “All I Have”
“The way you used to giggle before I put it down / It’s better when you angry, come here, I’ll prove it now, come here.” If LL Cool J was half as smooth as he thinks he is, this line would have worked. The thing is… he isn’t.
14. Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull, “Dance Again”
Of course, Pitbull is a repeat offender. “Play dates, we play mates / I’m the king snatching queens, checkmate.” There is reason to believe Pitbull has never played chess in his entire life.
15. Jennifer Lopez feat. Styles P & Jadakiss (and Ben Affleck), “Jenny From The Block”
And here she is again. Letting dudes say stuff like this on her track: “Yo, it take hard work to cash checks / So don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, they assets.”
16. Jennifer Lopez feat. Ja Rule, “Ain’t It Funny”
“It must be the ass / That got me like damn / If that get any fatter / Man the Rule gon’ hafta get at her.”
OK, Jennifer. You’re doing this to yourself.