1. Hey, it’s just about New Year’s Eve! Time to make some resolutions!
2. This year, like every year, why not resolve to stop biting your nails once and for all?
3. OH I KNOW WHY. BECAUSE IT’S SCIENTIFICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
4. It’s not like you haven’t tried. It’s just that nothing works.
5. You’ve heard all of the gross “facts,” but that doesn’t help when you don’t even realize you’re biting.
And don’t tell me I might as well lick a subway pole because I will not believe you.
6. You’ve bought a million nail files but you keep forgetting them at home.
And that chipped nail is just taunting you.
7. You could use Band-Aids as barriers but then you look like a maniac.
“Uhhh, I’m sorry, but tell me again how you cut up every single one of your fingertips at the same time?”
8. And wearing gloves 24/7 looks only slightly less crazy.
Plus it’s incredibly impractical.
9. You’ve gotten used to the taste of those bitter nail polishes.
There are worse things.
10. You try giving yourself a manicure but then you just end up with chipped nail polish on your teeth.
11. And you tell people to stop you, but then you’re enraged when they swat your hands away.
LET ME DO ME.
12. You’re haunted by all of the images of amazing nail art around you.
13. But no desire is strong enough to keep you from doing what you have to do.
14. You could try doing something else with your hands, but you know what else people do with their hands? SMOKE.
Good for you for not smoking!