The 39 Possible Outcomes Of Approaching Your Crush At A Party

So you’ve FINALLY decided to make the first move. What could go wrong?

1. You trip on the way over and run away ashamed.

2. You trip on the way over but save it in a way that makes you look very charming and down to earth.

3. You make promising eye contact on the way over, but then s/he gets a phone call, answers, and you stand in the middle of the room awkwardly until you decide to just abort the whole thing.

4. You make promising eye contact on the way over and so you wave, but then you realize s/he was actually looking at the person behind you.

5. S/he looks at you silently when you say hello and stays entirely mute until you walk away.

6. S/he looks at you silently when you say hello, but with this unspoken depth and history that makes you feel like you’ve done this, all of this, before.

7. S/he just laughs at you, full-fledged from-the-gut laughter, and you never truly understand why.

8. S/he says “Hey [your name]” and you’re so distracted by the fact that s/he knew your name, you forget to say anything for a few seconds.

9. You offer up a handshake and spend the rest of the conversation beating yourself up about it because who even shakes hands anymore?

10. S/he goes in for a hug but you go in for a fist bump and you’re so anxious about the confusion that you are overcome by cold sweats.

11. S/he envelops you in a giant bear hug and you feel in that moment a safety and comfort you’ve never known.

12. You die on the spot.

13. S/he dies on the spot.

14. You get right to the point and express your romantic intentions, and s/he is so taken with your honesty that s/he immediately suggests “getting out of here.”

15. You get right to the point and express your romantic intentions, and s/he throws a drink in your face, romcom-style.

16. You open your mouth to talk and instead vomit everywhere.

17. You open your mouth to talk and instead make an awkward joke about vomiting everywhere.

18. You open your mouth to talk and your voice comes out in this weird high pitch so you have to go with it and talk like that for the entire night.

19. S/he is kind of rude and you’re heartbroken.

20. S/he is kind of rude but you actually feel better because you’re like, “Well now I don’t even like you anymore, SO THANKS.”

21. You do that thing where you ask how s/he is, to which s/he responds, “Good, and you?” to which you— like a classic dummy — respond, “Good, and you?”

22. S/he is perfectly friendly but you guys have nothing interesting to talk about.

23. S/he is perfectly friendly and you think it’s going well, but then when you return to your friends they tell you that you have salsa on your face.

24. You faint and wake up later to him/her giving you mouth-to-mouth!!!!

25. You faint and wake up later in an ambulance and, fuck, you don’t even have insurance.

26. You fart silently.

27. You fart super loudly.

28. S/he farts and you try but fail to pretend you didn’t notice.

29. S/he spits on your face and you try but fail to pretend you didn’t notice.

30. The music gets really quiet out of nowhere and suddenly you’re shouting, “I SAID, I LIKE YOUR SHOES.”

31. The music suddenly gets so loud that you can’t talk anymore, so you just start making out.

32. The music suddenly gets so loud that you can’t talk anymore, so s/he suggests dancing — and congratulations, your dance moves are IRRESISTIBLE!

33. The music suddenly gets so loud that you can’t talk anymore, so s/he suggests dancing — and you immediately lose any credibility as a sexual being.

34. The music suddenly gets so loud that you can’t talk anymore, so you part ways and for the rest of your life blame the failed connection on the DJ.

35. You connect immediately but now that the mystery is gone, you’re just not really into it anymore?

36. You connect immediately but more like in a friends way.

37. You connect immediately, and the connection develops into a long-term, committed, mutually fulfilling relationship.

38. You connect immediately, and the connection develops into a few really great hookups that at first seem to indicate a relationship but sort of just dissipates through no fault of either party because sometimes that’s just life, you know?

39. S/he asks if you’re friends with that girl you were standing with, and is she single?

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