1. “My body can really feel the difference.”
Reality: If the difference is that I used to not be hungry and now I am hungry, then yes.
2. “I’m not even craving processed sugars anymore!”
Reality: Bury me in donuts and let me eat my way to freedom.
3. “Kale smoothies are delicious.”
Reality: WHY WOULD I DRINK A LEAF I BARELY LIKE EATING LEAVES.
4. “I’m saving so much money now that I’m not eating out.”
Reality: Do you know how much almond butter is? DO YOU KNOW?
5. “It isn’t a diet; it’s about changing the way I eat.”
Reality: Let me just get through these two weeks, and I will reward myself with two large pizzas.
6. “I just wanted to start eating a little healthier.”
Reality: Blocks of cheddar cheese kept me warm this winter and now I need to fit into my summer clothes.
7. “Green tea is a legitimate substitute for coffee.”
Reality: I am tired. All the time.
8. “I feel like I have so much more energy. Gluten must really drag you down!”
Reality: GIVE ME CARRRRRRRRRRRRRBS.
9. “Lettuce wraps are surprisingly just as satisfying as tortilla wraps!”
Reality: I just need twice as many to get anywhere close to full.
10. “I’ll go to the party and just avoid the snack table.”
Reality: I’ll go to the party and selectively remember only the moments in which I wasn’t eating.
11. “Surprisingly, I don’t miss alcohol!”
Reality: ** reaches wistfully for bottle of whiskey **