This writer was the wittiest woman ever:
Anyone who messed with her got verbally sliced up like an apple. Some cutting samples:
1. “I didn’t call her anything. ‘Hey, you,’ was about the best I could do.”
Even as a child she was insulting people. Here, her stepmother, who according to biographer Marion Meade was a bit odd.
2. On the immaculate conception: “Spontaneous combustion.”
Again, she was a child. Funniest kid at Blessed Sacrament Academy? Most likely.
3. “From these foundations of the autumn wardrobe, one may learn that brevity is the soul of lingerie.”
Written when she was a caption-writer for Vogue.
4. In a Vanity Fair review of a musical, she did not state the names of the cast because she was “not going to tell on them.”
5. On her tiny shared office: “An inch smaller and it would have been adultery.”
Parker shared an office with her friend, Robert Benchley.
6. A telegram sent to the detested wife of a friend after she gave birth:
7. Discussing the Yale prom, she said if all the girls in attendance were laid end to end, she wouldn’t be at all surprised.
8. Take that, Mr. Parker:
9. To an actor complaining about his busy schedule, she said, “I think you’re full of skit.”
Above, in one of her hats, looking disappointed.
10. When asked why she named her dog Cliché, she said, “the streets are carpeted with black French poodles.”
Source: Marion Meade’s What Fresh Hell Is This?, which I recommend despite its highly alarming system for endnotes.