1. If you don’t get a weekly farm box, you are extremely jealous of your friends who do.
Just look at those breathtaking colors.
2. Finding an inchworm in your produce just means it’s fresh!
3. In the event of constipation, you self-prescribe fruit. Why take laxatives when there are apricots in the world?
Incidentally, you’re comfortable discussing your bowel movements. You may even use the phrase “poop positive.”
4. Reading your local alternative weekly, you are unfazed by an advertisement for an artist moonlighting as a rock stacker.
Seems like a reasonable way to make a living.
5. Occasionally when you’re alone and you think about the plight of the California condor, it makes you want to cry.
You can see the majesty in these bald creatures. Just because they’re hideous carrion birds who defecate on their legs to regulate their body temperature doesn’t mean they don’t deserve dignity.
6. You are fully versed in the concept of a controlled burn because you’re all about responsible forest management.
Only professionals can set fires to prevent forest fires! #ecology
7. You’ve worked on your consent skills. You’ve gotten good at giving permission, withholding permission, and asking for permission.
You can’t count the times you’ve said “consent is sexy.”
8. When you think about how much time the average person spends showering, it makes your blood boil.
People shower so much more than they really need to. It’s like they don’t even care about all the water they’re wasting.
9. Antiperspirant? That is some crimes-against-nature shit.
You’re more into the natural stuff. Or you don’t wear deodorant at all.
10. You’ve eaten Dumpster food.
The amount of food we throw away in this country is shameful.
11. When you say you can “taste the sunshine” in your fresh-squeezed orange juice, you are dead. Serious.
Not from concentrate? Try never from concentrate.
12. You feel bad for people who aren’t comfortable being naked in the company of friends.
It’s society’s fault for making us feel ashamed. Like, how is it even possible that having pubic hair is seen as political now? We are humans. Humans have HAIR. Deal with it.
13. Downward-facing dog? What do I look like, a banker?
I’m joking, of course: There is no judgment in yoga.
14. Are you someone who menstruates? If so, then you either use or wish you used a menstrual cup.
If you’re a man, you think this might make a great gift for a close woman friend (who’s expressed an interest and given consent).
15. You didn’t want to believe in the healing power of crystals, but you had a pretty transformative experience hiking through a vortex in Sedona, Ariz.
Anything’s possible, right?
16. You’ve retained the services of a pet psychic.
And frankly you don’t give a shit what people have to say about it. They should SEE the way this has changed your dog’s life.
17. Somehow you never get more graceful at coping when your clog falls off.
18. You’d really like to know how to speed up the process of breaking in a pair of Birkenstocks, because seriously, if you don’t buy them secondhand, it’ll take forever.
When you’re feeling frisky, you call them “Birks.”
19. If you don’t have your own guru, you definitely know someone who has a guru.
20. You’ve barbecued tofu.
But really, you’re more into tempeh. Tofu is just so processed.
21. You love to tell people about how quinoa is a complete protein.
“It’s a complete protein!”
22. Although you possess an abiding love for all animals, you have mixed feelings about cats because you are deeply concerned about their impact on the native population of ground-nesting birds.
So cute, yet so involved in perpetuating adverse environmental outcomes on already vulnerable species. Color me CONFLICTED.
23. You find this cup incredibly offensive.
How can anyone keep calm with a Styrofoam cup in her hand? Don’t you know you’re poisoning the earth?!