1. When presentation really doesn’t matter to you.
I don’t know what you see; all I see is sandwich.
2. You put something in your mouth, but nope, it’s not food, that’s why you spit it out two minutes ago. You got so excited when you thought it was food.
Can’t eat that. Cannot eat that.
3. Some people have clear boundaries of what food is “theirs” and what food is “yours.” These boundaries are not always apparent to you.
4. Sometimes people will take advantage of your love of food.
It’s a cruel world for lizards like us.
5. Eating with your fingers makes you soooooo happy.
As the good lord intended it.
6. When people warn you that you’ll “spoil your appetite,” you can see right through that nonsense.
Classic Seinfeld lifehack.
7. Your favorite game to play is hide-and-seek with chips. They’re hiding in dip! Sneaky!
It’s the best game of the Super Bowl.
8. Even if you don’t like sports, there’s a surefire way to get you to a game.
9. Eating off the floor? Who, me?!
Just kidding, you have totally done this.
10. You strategically place your napkin knowing that you are not capable of eating with any delicacy.
“Proper”? No, that is not a word I would use to describe myself.
11. Choosing your napkin placement can be confusing, actually.
“Where will this napkin have the most impact when I will probably be spilling in most of my nooks and a number of my crannies?” you wonder.
12. It seems even your food is a little taken aback.
“Where are your manners?” gasps this ice cream.
13. When you know the way you’re eating something makes you look like a goofball idiot, you just don’t care.
As Edith Piaf once sang, non, je ne regrette rien.
14. At dinner when people tell you you have food on your face, and it’s like, “Of course, I am eating.”
15. Seriously, you don’t get why certain conversation topics are “appetite spoilers.” What’s an appetite spoiler?
I mean, what does poop have to do with my ability to eat this sandwich? Other than, you know, the fact that all bodily functions are connected. So really, by not wanting to discuss poop, you’re hiding from the truth.
16. Associating food and toilets? No, that doesn’t faze you.
Food is food is food.