1. The Disney musical Frozen came out last November, so you would think that it wouldn’t be a big deal anymore…
2. But you’d be wrong. It turns out, the El Capitan Theatre in Los Angeles is doing sing-along screenings.
And because there is nothing adults love more than seeing a children’s film with said children’s film’s biggest fans singing in their winsome childlike way, this seemed like the perfect opportunity for me to go see it for the first time — if only to evaluate “Let It Go,” which I’m told is a gay anthem. Another thing I know about Frozen is that it’s not focused on a princess getting with a prince, so I will also be looking for signs that the princesses are lesbians. JK JK. (Although, the single one wears gloves on her hands “for protection,” so just let that marinate.)
3. This little kid sits across the aisle from me. I think she has seen Frozen before.
If the wig fits, wear it.
4. Kristen Bell, who voices Princess Anna, shows up wearing very sparkly silver high heels, which I guess is appropriate. And then THE TRAILERS START ROLLING.
There is a lot of excitement over this Cinderella teaser, which suggests that Cinderella’s got a dead bug on her shoe. Kids, did you know butterflies eat decaying flesh? I notice there’s a baby sitting in front of me who honestly looks like he’d been born too late to see Frozen in theaters nine months ago, so I guess that baby and I are in the same boat.
5. Before the movie starts, some white foam is sprayed on the audience.
This is perfect timing, because I never like to see a movie without damp forearms.
6. The movie starts and immediately introduces us to this blond secondary character, who is incompetent at harvesting ice.
Do they begin by showing child labor because the animators wanted to subtly undermine monarchy? I have to assume the answer is yes.
7. The children are not really that into the ice harvester song, but “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” gets everyone singing!
Although, after seeing that child laborer, do they really want to support the ruling classes who stay in their castles, idly building snowmen while the poor are laboring in the ice fields?
8. It turns out, Elsa has magic ice powers where she can make snow and things, and she and Anna go play in the ballroom. But there’s an accident!
Princess Elsa accidentally sends her freeze bolt into Anna’s brain! This launches a confusing series of events in which a troll erases Anna’s memory to save her from ice-brain and then Elsa has to hide her powers forever. I suspend my disbelief until I levitate right over this plot hole. Shortly thereafter, their parents die, because it wouldn’t be a Disney movie without some orphans.
9. After many years of Elsa giving Anna the cold shoulder, Elsa’s about to get coronated.
This guy named Hans shows up and pretty much literally sweeps poor, neglected Anna off her feet. As soon as he appears onscreen, a small child shouts out, “Hans is a bad guy,” so this movie is completely ruined for me. Thanks a lot, asshole.
10. These two kids fall in love immediately and he proposes to her and she says yes.
Things move fast in the imaginary past.
11. But when Anna tells Elsa she’s marrying this guy, Elsa gets pissed and accidentally brings an eternal winter onto their city and surrounding countryside.
Elsa! She has no self-control. But anyway, it turns out great for Elsa and she sings “Let It Go” on a mountaintop, because now that everyone knows her secret, she no longer has to live up to their expectations. WIN. She builds a dope ice castle. ANOTHER WIN.
12. Anna goes after her. She leaves Hans in charge of the government after telling him that her sister “would never hurt [her].”
I mean, homegirl. You have a sister you’ve barely spoken to in a solid decade. I have a sister I think is the coolest person I know and I still wouldn’t say some dumb shit like this. Of course your sister would hurt you! She just spent a decade ignoring you, doofus! Anyway, this is wildly optimistic and I am surprised that the children in the theater aren’t yelling at this part, like they were yelling “NOOO” at Hans’ proposal.
13. While she’s making her way toward her sister, Anna meets this guy Kristoff who helps her, but what’s really important is that she meets Olaf.
Olaf is the greatest character in this movie. He is a living snowman who informs us that he has no bones. The kids love his song about how he wants to be a snowman in summer. It is the best song in the movie, so I can see why they are singing along so enthusiastically. “Bees’ll buzz / Kids’ll blow dandelion fuzz / And I’ll be doing whatever snow does in summer.” A joke we can all relate to!
14. But yeah, Kristoff. He is that child laborer from the opening scene, but he doesn’t seem bitter about his lost childhood, just annoyed that his ice business is tanking in this winter.
Economic concerns, man. He helps Anna because he is concerned about said ice business, but eventually, he falls in love with her.
15. Elsa, meanwhile, is looking great. She is loving life in that ice castle.
Honestly, if I lived alone in an ice castle, I would never take off my sweatpants. Elsa is sashaying around in a tight dress and high heels. Your body, your choices, Elsa.
16. Anna shows up at the ice castle and she finds out her sister WOULD hurt her (as all people who have sisters know) because Elsa freezes Anna’s heart!
When Anna sings in an effort to reach out to Elsa and Elsa’s just not letting her in, my eyes fill up with tears.
17. Also, I notice that the door to the castle opens inward and think, That is not compliant with fire safety codes.
HAHAHA, although later in the movie, we find out the door swings both ways, which is the only thing, other than Elsa’s aforementioned gloves, that could be gay subtext.
18. While the royal family kept their gates shut for all those years, Hans, as the interregnum stand-in, OFFERS THE CASTLE AS SHELTER.
Controversial-opinion time: He does solid king work. He’s redistributing resources to the people who need it most! Hans gets my vote in the next election. LOL JK. You don’t vote for monarchs.
19. That aside, turns out Hans is a grade-A dickwad who betrays Anna and leaves her to freeze to death.
Anna thought his true love could save her freezing heart — but he was just using her to gain power so he could redistribute the kingdom’s resources to those who needed it most! Bastard.
20. Anna escapes from the castle and death at Hans’ hand and sees Hans about to slay Elsa. So she throws herself in front of his sword to save her sister, even though she knows she’ll freeze to death.
I start actually crying at this part. It’s beautiful and sad!
21. But Anna, saved by her own act of true love/self-sacrifice, thaws out! She’s alive! And then Elsa realizes the way to control her powers is love.
22. And Anna gets to punch Hans in the nose.
Based on the RAUCOUS giggling and APPLAUSE, this is this generation’s Mia Thermopolis grinding an ice cream cone into Lana Thomas’ cleavage. You go, girl! After this, Anna gives her new boyfriend Kristoff a sweet royal ice-fetching gig, because nepotism is the guiding light of monarchy.
23. Do I now understand the Elsa craze?
Definitely. I want to build a snowman and test out high heels made of ice; I’m just really curious at this point.