We volunteered as tributes to taste all 12 district flavors of Hunger Games chocolate and determine which one was stronger and wilier than the others.
We were really serious about it.
We present them in the order that they died.
Eating things is much easier than making them. Happy Hungry Games!
1. First death: District 1, Luxury — Rare Harvest Cashews and Milk Chocolate
No chocolate this mediocre could last long in a fight to the death. As soon as the Games commenced, this representative from the “luxury” district just sat there, like the boring milk chocolate bar that it is. It was immediately trampled to death by the others.
2. Second death: District 12, Mining — Mined Salt and Milk Chocolate
If you promise us mined salt, give us mined salt. This chocolate died mining its own business. Just kidding: It was shot with an arrow by someone who was promised salt.
3. Third death: District 6, Transportation — Crunchy Runner Peanuts in Peanut Butter and Milk Chocolate
Mr. Goodbar wasn’t invited to this Hungry Games for a reason: He doesn’t belong here. Neither does his sad flavor-doppelgänger. This chocolate bar died when it inadvertently ate peanuts, unaware that it had a peanut allergy.
4. Fourth death: District 2, Masonry — Fire Roasted Caramel and Pecans and Milk Chocolate
This chocolate lacked pecans in the same way that it lacked basic survival skills. It died slowly from exposure.
5. Fifth death: District 8, Textiles — Caramelized Crispy Rice and Milk Chocolate
This candy bar died when it broke a promise to provide a textured experience. It was rewarded with a textured experience of spikes to the abdomen.
6. Sixth death: District 4, Fishing — Sea Salt and Coconut and Dark Chocolate
The chocolate that wasn’t coconutty enough had its head split open like a coconut.
7. Seventh death: District 11, Agriculture — Harvest Cherry and Dark Chocolate
Not bad, but pitted against the others, this dark cherry chocolate bar couldn’t make it to the end. It was ambushed by the others while sleeping.
8. Eighth death: District 10, Livestock — Beef Jerky and Smoked Mesquite and Milk Chocolate
This chocolate bar survived on dried meats for some time. It was bold like its flavor, but ultimately was slaughtered.
9. Ninth death: District 7, Lumber — Smoked Chipotle Chili and Milk Chocolate
It delivered on that smoky taste, and it had a heat that lingered as long as it could. It died of smoke inhalation, trapped in a cave set on fire by the others.
10. Tenth and 11th deaths: District 3, Technology — Arabica Coffee and Crystal Salt and Dark Chocolate; alongside District 5, Power — Crispy Crunchy Caramel Corn and Dark Chocolate
These chocolate bars, both excellent fighters, could not bear the thought of killing each other. They died clutching one another as they jumped from a cliff.
Victor: District 9, Grain — Milled Oats, Vanilla, and Hemp Seeds and Dark Chocolate
This chocolate bar had abilities we’d never seen in a Hungry Games before. It kept its head down, did its job, and emerged victorious.
If you would like to spend $65 on 12 chocolate bars, you can get them from Wild Ophelia.
- U.S. President Barack Obama and leaders from 20 nations called for doubling clean energy research funding over the next five years at the Paris climate summit 🌍 ›
- Planned Parenthood officials said they believed Friday's shooting at a Colorado Springs clinic was motivated by opposition to abortion. ›
- And Kobe Bryant wrote a poem announcing that he's retiring from professional basketball at the end of this season 🏀🎭 ›