19 Things That Mean Something Totally Different When You’re Unemployed

The struggle is real, please add me on LinkedIn. But actually.

1. Introductions

Walt Disney Animation Studios / Via mtv.in.com

What it usually means: A simple greeting that you can say at anytime to anyone.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: A terrifying encounter you haven’t had in months since graduating.

2. Handshake

stockyimages/stockyimages

What it usually means: A firm hand greeting that means you’re confident and ready to talk shop.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: An invitation to strangers to show them how much you sweat and how sticky your palms are.

3. Business cards

Universal Pictures / Via guycodeblog.mtv.com

What it usually means: Look mom! I’m a real professional and have a 401(k) and shop at Express now!
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: You borrowed $40 from your parents to get these printed just to impress people at parties.

4. Resume

20th Century Fox Television / Via teen.com

What it usually means: An impressive document with all your amazing job experiences and accomplishments.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: A document where you list every unpaid internship you’ve ever had while exaggerating your skills and proficiency in Photoshop.

5. Open bar

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What it usually means: A gift from the world to you to indulge and enjoy your night to the fullest.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: A gentle reminder to not post any photos on Facebook or a future employer will see it and you will not get hired.

6. LinkedIn

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What it usually means: The worst.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: Still the worst but at least you get endorsed by your parents for your skills in Microsoft Office.

7. Email

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What it usually means: A product that you use mainly to send funny articles to your friends and to schedule meetings.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: Something you refuse to check because you know there will be at least 10 job rejections.

8. Phone number

viviamo/viviamo

What it usually means: A number only your closest friends have so they can text you every time they fall in love with someone new or want to go to brunch.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: A set of digits that you’ll give out to anyone at a networking event, even if they didn’t ask for it.

9. Small talk

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What it usually means: Conversations you’re forced to have that involve the weather and gazing around the room.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: A conversation that will always start with, “What have you done since graduation?”

10. The friend game: “Do you know so and so?”

Hartswood Films / Via introvertatuni.wordpress.com

What it usually means: Even if you went to the biggest university or the smallest college, you do not know everyone, especially this new person’s friend.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: You’ve started pretending to know any random person just so you can seem better connected.

11. Dates

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What it usually means: Something you dread and are terrible at, with only sometimes having successful date stories.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: Going out to an expensive dinner, lying about your job situation, and praying you won’t have to spilt the bill.

12. “Let’s keep in touch”

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What it usually means: A dreaded reaction that happens after a terrible date.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: Something you say to everyone, even if you dislike them because they might be able to hook you up with a job someday.

13. “What do you do?”

What it usually means: You’re interested in finding out what someone does and to hear their experience from it.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: A question you avoid at all costs because all you actually do is watch Netflix and eat cheese balls.

14. “Let me buy you a drink”

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What it usually means: An invitation from someone you meet that may be your next potential soul mate.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: A chance to drink something other than boxed wine or Natty Light since you’re not paying.

15. “Let’s get coffee”

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What it usually means: Your time to look wonderful and be witty for your date.
What it actually means: Excuse me? Coffee costs more than $3, do you look like you have that kind of money to throw AWAY?!

16. “What college did you go to?”

What it usually means: A question to see if they are a potential new best friend or someone to completely avoid.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: A reminder that your bachelor of arts written in Latin roughly translates to “no job but have fun with over $10,000 in loans”!

17. Free time

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What it usually means: Something that only exists on the weekends.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: You can’t grasp what this means since all your time is free time.

18. Elevator pitch

What it usually means: Thirty seconds of attempting to sell yourself to an elevator full of people trying to avoid eye contact with you.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: Your magnum opus that defines everything about who you are, especially how good you were at beer pong in college and how you’re an expert at PowerPoint.

19. Rubbing elbows

What it usually means: A phrase that makes you so uncomfortable you start to think of all other words that cause you pain: moist and flab.
What it actually means when you’re unemployed: Something you can’t wait to do with your new co-workers when you finally land a job!

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