Tech

The Most Persistent People On OkCupid

Badgering women with multiple messages is not the way to get yourself a date.

Persistence, they say, pays off. And in certain areas of life, “they” are right — persistence is helpful when you’re trying to get your cell company to drop those extra charges or if you’re a dogged cub reporter chasing your first big story. But when it comes to dating, persistence is mostly annoying. You ask someone out and they say no? Move on! It’s a good general rule to go on dates with people who actually want to go on dates with you, instead of people you have to badger into giving you an hour of their time.

Online, that dynamic is only magnified. If you’re trying to date someone in your social group, she may feel pressured to not rock the boat, and some sleazy, slightly pathetic men may capitalize on that by putting the “date me” pressure on hard. But on the Internet, there’s no obligation to say yes, let alone respond to a message.

And yet persistent dudes persist. Like this guy, over three different messages:

RE: Dog rescue shows!
There’s a friend, mentor, president of a very successful company here in town that has 30 rescue dogs at his house…All Pomeranians and Pekingese… Such an amazing person he is.
I love unsuspecting goodness in people.
The really sad part is I found out last week his wife and business partner of 40 years is terminally sick.
Sorry to throw out some depressing email. I look at it all as a romantic life they’ve led.
Socrates and the greeks say we must all live life with passion…I’m trying, are you?

RE: Dog rescue shows!
There are dog rescue SHOWS? Is that like a car show, or a home show?
Either way, I’m pretty sure I’d leave with roughly 6 new poopers…

Dog rescue shows!
I wanna go!

The first message was decent — he responded to something specific in her profile, and he added to it. He could have left out the inspirational quote from Socrates and the “Oh, speaking of dogs, my best friend’s wife is dying,” but there were no comments about her boobs or how he wants to anally penetrate her, so I consider that a net win. But she clearly wasn’t interested and didn’t respond. No harm, no foul. Move on, message the next lady, and don’t talk about the terminally ill. Instead, he follows up, again about the dog shows but shorter — and this time he uses the word “poop,” which is a general no-no. She ignores again, which is precisely what one should do when one receives two messages in close succession from a random person on the Internet. And so he… messages her again. And has made it official that this woman will never, ever reply.

This next Persistent Peter started out on a gross foot, and just went from bad to worse. Note, also, the time stamps on the messages:

4:28pm Wow, so hot and sexy

5:14pm So are you going to talk to me

5:16pm Are you a BBW

6:53pm Talk to me, are you busy

There is not a single one of these messages that merits a response. And yet he keeps seeking one. Which seems to be a theme among the serial messagers:

Mmmmmm good morning. You are beautiful. We should hang :)

Could I text you??? We should smoke a bowl and talk about you ACTING

Was I that bad?? I love hedwig. Talk to me on yahoo?

At least he keeps it brief, though. Unlike this next guy:

Then there are the dudes that get mad when you don’t respond to them immediately. First, it’s online dating — lots of us don’t check our inboxes every five minutes. Or we log in and then get distracted by a cat video or something and forget to respond. Or we just aren’t interested. But either way, give us a minute. And if you don’t hear back to your surely wonderful first message, move on. Don’t do what this guy does:

Hi, you seem cool

what? no reply?? you’ve got to be kidding me.
you should reply, trust me.

And definitely don’t follow up your first extra-long and insulting message to add in another one of your personal observations, like this dude:

Okay wait. Listen lady, of you’re a feminist, your class anxiety may not be worth getting over. You must accept that you already purchase most Americans. Not only that, but also aid and abet the privileged classes for a living. The working classes don’t much care about contemporary American feminism as it’s issues are typically effecting the capitalist class and those above. I really can’t give a shit if women are making less than men because the cases in which that is true are typically amongst people making well above six figures. The women that work for me curse p c era feminism because it creates more obstacles for them as they now come to work every day with the stigma that they only have the job because they ate black women. The fact of the matter isi would hire them irregardless and I am more than happy to them the same sixty eight dollars an hour as I pay the men along side them.
Yes that sounds like slot of money which leads me to the class business. Perhaps if you are an non tenure prof you may earn something along those lines but that does not place anywhere near the same class. Chances are you associate almost exclusively with those based in academia and few people with GED’s and the like. You may not be a millionaire but you likely shun many for not being as good as you and your colleagues. I suppose that is human nature after all. Even us worker folk have our tribal hierarchy. Fortunately my tribe is pretty much the boss.

Lady, I’m not trying to be crass but I have just found very few people that talk your talk that actually walk your walk. And I can’t tell you how many times in my adulthood I have met folk like you and had very good conversations and had to answer people afterwards when they ask, “my, now why on earth are you doing that for a living?”. I am unsure why these alleged progressive and open minded “beyond class” people have the impression that the duties of the working class need be relegated to unintelligent people. Or why do they not consider that perhaps my being a multiple count felon has closed many doors, or maybe that I was illiterate til several years ago. I don’t know, injust figured that those who learned about American society from expensive text books would be able to use a little more imagination.

Thanks for listening lady, I needed somebody to whine to.

Farewell

Oh and one more thing!!!!

The reason I choose you to rant to is because I have struggling with the same question about class anxiety. I met a super awesome girl once and was and still am totally afraid of the fact that I am of a much lower class than her. I don’t think it’s worth it.

You need someone to whine to? Pay a therapist. Or maybe talk to your parole officer, since you mention having been convicted of multiple felonies.

Which brings us to a common bit of advice: When online dating, put your best foot forward. Leave the multiple felonies out of it. And make your best a little better than multiple-messager Barry here:

Can I court you? I have most of my teeth and I can do 2 pushups……..Barry

how about 3 pushups?

How about 4 pushups?

All of these dudes are obnoxious, but they’re nothing to compared to our last serial writer, who is the master of repeated, hounding messages in hopes of getting laid. I have to assume he never succeeds:

Well, a : lovely, intelligent, ferociously literate(!), irrepressibly jovial, widely-traveled, culturally-sophisticated, flora and fauna appreciatin’, wonderfully vivacious, artistically-sensitive, worldly, perfectly aquatic, elegantly-attired, deliciously curvaceous, highly-caffeinated, canine-friendly, snugglelicious, iconoclastic, multi-faceted, adventurous, outdoor-lovin’, woman……….who wouldn’t be completely enthralled !

Orwell wrote, “At fifty, everyone has the face they deserve”, and you have a very provocative, mischievous, and sensual, one, so I thought I’d take a chance and write. I don’t know that Orwell ever commented specifically on attorneys that favour designer nails, and flamboyant earrings, but I have no doubt that he would have found you very attractive ( you really do have a terrific smile, and THE : largest, brownest, loveliest, eyes !!!!!!!!!!! ).

I suppose I should tell you some things about myself. I also live in Cambridge, write/teach music, and design gardens ( if it’s not inappropriate to inquire, I’d be very interested in learning more about your work ).

I’d like to think that I possess at least some of the qualities that you seem to be looking for ( I don’t wish to appear immodest, but on a good day I am a fairly bright and amusing fellow ). You would find me an excellent conversationalist, who can knowledgeably discuss an appallingly wide variety of subjects, and terrific company for your outdoor excursions, and in general. I am effortlessly creative, absurdly passionate ( about almost everything ), profoundly open-minded, and…………………I am deliciously intense fun at nap-time !

I adore bright, unconventional, creative, women, and swoon over clever, libidinous, ones ; ) I know some terrific local beaches, and there is an adorable puppy for you to play with  and quite possibly adore

I noticed that you are open to partners of either sex, and I thought I would mention I’ve had several bisexual girlfriends in the past, and they were very positive experiences. And though it’s probably politically incorrect to say this, as a generalization, they seemed to be more fun ( i.e. less inhibited) than many of the straight women I know. To be perfectly honest, I don’t know why any woman would want a man to touch them, but of course I’m VERY,VERY, happy some do ; ) I also have a gay niece that I’m very close to, and we have a lot of fun discussing our various dating successes and failures.

I’m sure you are curious about my appearance, as Wilde so cleverly put it, “Of course, only the superficial person DOESN’T judge by appearances” and of course having seen your images, reciprocity would only be fair. I suppose I’m just not as brave as you, and I’m also a fairly private person, so having my photos and personal life on the web for everyone to see is just not for me, but I would be more than happy to send you some pictures. The easiest option would be for me to send them to either a real, or anonymous, email address or you can simply write to me at the address below ( don’t worry, I’m not hideously grotesque ! ; )

If you have any reciprocal interest, I would love to hear from you, and to casually meet you in a manner you would feel comfortable with.

I hope you’ll seriously consider contacting me, and please feel free to write to me directly at : indbrier@yahoo.com

Your Admiring Neighbors,

[Redacted]

P.S. [The dog] has suggested that the four of us go for a walk around Fresh Pond : )

Wonderful new photo - what a : smart, scrumptious, sexy, saucy, sophisticated, stylin’, and sensual, beauty you are !!!!!!!

( Sigh ) now if only you weren’t SO difficult to befriend……………. ; )

( Sigh ) it’s been almost a year - will Boswell and I EVER get to meet you : (

Don’t be shy - the four of us should go for a walk : )

It’s been a year !!!!!! Might I tactfully suggest less peevin’, and more writin’ : )

Wonderful new photos - what a : smart, scrumptious, sexy, scintillating, slinky, salacious, smoochable, sizzling, shapely, sensational, stirring, saucy, sophisticated, stylin’, snugglelicious, statuesque, stunning, and sensual, beauty you are !!!!!!!

( Sigh ) now if only you weren’t SO difficult to befriend……………. ; )

Wonderful new photos - what a : smart, scrumptious, sexy, scintillating, slinky, smoochable, sizzling, shapely, sensational, stirring, saucy, sophisticated, stylin’, snugglelicious, statuesque, stunning, and sensual, beauty you are !!!!!!!

( Sigh ) now if only you weren’t SO difficult to befriend……………. ; )

Your Intrigued Neighbor,

F7

Cannot imagine why she never replied. The dog sounds cool, though.

___

The A(n)nals of Online Dating is a weekly column about How We Date Now, from the proprietor of the website of the same name, showing off the best of the worst Internet dating has to offer.

Illustration by Cara Vandermey

Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!

More News
Now Buzzing