I have hit the point in my love life where men legit make me want to vom in my mouth. I have always been a boy-crazed, borderline stalker, tried-to-see-my-soccer-coach-naked kinda woman, but I just can’t seem to get it going for the opposite sex nowadays. When did I become this Preying Mantas, man-eater of a girl, you may ask? Probably somewhere between losing my virginity in a Chick-fil-A bathroom and finding out about Steve’s infidelity on Sex in the City, the Movie. So, I’ve decided to take the bull by the horns, quit beating around the bush (quite literally) and consider the pros of lesbianism!
2. Wearing boxers could be fun?
Whoohoo! Check this girl OUT!!! Get it, sista!
Jesus Christ. Okay, fine. It’s a guy. A Google Image search of “Women in Boxers” yields exactly shit, in case you were wondering. Whatever. Anyway, you’ve probably always wanted to set a trend, right? And face it, babe…you look INCREDIBLE in plaid. Let’s do this thang.
3. Ben & Jerry’s as a meal substitute.
The fact is that bitches be lovin’ Ben & Jerry’s. Take those Hungry Man microwavable dinners elsewhere, brother. Only one kind of B.J. in town now!
4. Don’t have to shave legs as much.
Finally! Now’s your chance to cut those showers in half and save $$$ on the water bill. Plus, you’ve always wanted curls!
5. More clothing options to choose from.
With your two closets combined, THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS. (Also, your boo might do the laundry / have a good job and buy clothes that you could never afford on your I-might-have-to-sell-my-eggs Barista salary.)
6. Being more like Ellen.
There really is no need to provide additional incentive to this post. Look at her, for crying out loud.
7. Having a Significant Other who may potentially watch Girls with you.
This show is incredible, but you might as well be asking a boy to pop your backne or help you put ointment on your eczema. Shit’s a young man’s kryptonite.
8. Not having to pretend that you know what is happening when Basketball is on TV.
Is a Hakeem Olajuwon some kind of STD? I don’t get it, but it sounds disgusting. Basically, if its not Space Jam, then I’m not into it.
9. Literally, the only con….PMS leading to the SCU.
The only known scientific hazard of lesbionic conversion is an increased risk of committing homicide once a month. Due to certainty of fighting ‘He Who Must Not Be Named’ the SAME DAMN TIME as your future partner, risk of losing said partner by your own menstrually enraged hand is an unfortunate and truly unfair possibility. Thanks, Mother Nature. Thanks for ruining my one chance at happiness.