Bunnicula: A True WTF Children’s Story

Seriously considering calling CPA after finding this truly disconcerting piece of literary crazytown on my little brother’s bookshelf. Start saving for Kenny’s therapy now, Dad.

Meet Bunnicula! He is a Vampire (Wait, a vampire!? Are you sure we should be reading this, Mom?) Bunny!

He is discovered at the cinema by the Monroe family, and they decide to take him on as a family pet. Oh joy! A safer and less terrifying idea never there was!

Lunatics.

But Bunnicula didn’t bank on having these bad bitches on the case! The other pets livin’ at the Monroe’s (especially, Chester, the cat) are inexplicably wise to Bunnicula’s vamp-style trickery. Phew!

Shit still gets real though.

And Bunnicula, despite being a rabbit and thus lacking opposable thumbs, manages to open the refrigerator door and suck the liquids out of the Monroe’s produce faster than you can say Hamilton Beach Healthsmart 67800H Juice Extractor.

Lost a lot of good men out there.

The mysterious shenanigans legit drives Chester insane, and he is prescribed cat therapy to help him cope. No one (we can be honest here, guys…) likes cats, but seriously? Just wrong.

Then, BAM! From out the shadows, an eggplant turned vampire by Bunnicula decides that he craves puppy blood (Say what??? That doesn’t even make sense.) and goes after the family dog.

Shoot! Chester must have missed this guy when he spiked all the other undead veggies in their hearts with toothpicks…

FYI, this all goes down post cat medication, AKA Chapter: I Think I Just Peed Myself / Who da faaaaa authored this heaping vat of “What in the hell is happening?”

I’m confused and concerned.

So, is our pooch a survivor? Can he escape this terror, or must he succumb to the vegetable-induced, night-walking fate of the Damned? You’ll have to finished the sequel, “The Celery Stalks at Midnight,” and let me know. I couldn’t make it. Are these tears on my face? Yup, I’m crying over here. I mean…look at him.

Conclusively, if your parents started reading this to you (and didn’t stop after the first chapter, those bastards!), then my apologies. Have fun sleeping in their bedroom during “Easter Bunny at the Mall” season. It’s going to be a rough ten years, kid.

You just been Bedtime Storied.

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