1. The Judgy Coupled Friend
It is very nice that this person and their significant other do not think going to bars is “fun anymore” and prefer to stay in on Friday nights and nibble each others’ noses tenderly or whatever the fuck it is they do. But that does not give them the right to look pityingly at you when you talk about your own issues. When you even see them, that is.
2. The Person Who Has Not Changed At All Since College
On the flip side, while there is no specific inscription on your diploma that indicates that you can never again spend a Friday night with a girlfriend, pregaming with tequila shooters to put on suede platform heels and go to Senõr Frogs in order to get hit on by business majors who constantly make Family Guy jokes, that doesn’t mean you should do it every Friday.
This is the person who does. And documents it on Instagram. With duckface. And is the one of the two of you who instigates peeing together in a bathroom for one. Whenever you attempt to hang out with her sober, it is interminably boring.
3. Your Friend’s Ex Who Thinks You’re Independently Friends Now (But You’re Definitely Not)
You’re a grown-ass person now. You have bills to pay and 20 pounds of laundry to do. You do not have time to sit in a tapas bar checking your phone while this girl you have nothing in common with — except maybe you ONCE drunkenly bonded with in a bathroom YEARS AGO — goes through her weird manic “So how is he doing, is he seeing anyone, not that I care, I’m totally seeing everyone, wait no I mean like only the hot ones ahahaha!!!!!!!>>!>!!?!?!” spiel.
4. Your “Will You Or Won’t You But Probably Not” Person
Although you narrowly avoided hooking up during college, you now find yourself Gchatting flirtatiously with this person daily as you both languish in your respective offices. If you’re not familiar with what entails Gchat flirting, it’s mostly a proliferation of “hahahaha whatttt”-s. It is also a complete waste of time.
Dostoyevsky only wrote Crime and Punishment after he stopped wasting time Gflirting with people he was never going to fuck. I wouldn’t lie to you.
5. The Ex You Definitely Should Not Again, Ever
Stop it. Now. Just stop it.
You’re not stopping.
6. The Person Who Constantly Fights With The Internet
You might be out of college, but the basic function of Facebook is the same: it is to look up people you have banged or want to bang and look at pictures of people they have or wanted to bang and ask your friends if you are prettier than those people and not believe the answer anyway. It is NOT to indulge the holier-then-thou kid you knew in college who is constantly posting Mother Jones trend pieces and yelling about them.
This particularly applies when people are having fights about their own blog posts or Tweets or whatever. When this person uses the word “haters” for the first time, that is a good indication that you should have unfollowed them ages ago.
7. The Humblebragger
Really, your boobs are SO out of proportion to your body since you’re so tiny? I’m sorry. Deeply, deeply sorry. Oh, wait, no, I’m not. Unfollow.
8. The Guy Who Fell Off The Grid
This guy has fallen prey to the pseudo-hippie machismo bullshit for which we can thank the Kerouacs and McCandlesses of the world. Instead of a bank account this guy has a few wrinkled $50s inside an empty jewel case of Sublime’s 40 Oz. to Freedom with “FOR BURNING MAN” written on it in Sharpie. He has told you that you are a capitalist whore because you have a job.
He was super-involved in Occupy Wall Street but basically had no idea what it was. And he cannot sleep on your couch.
9. The Creepy Older Person You Thought It Was Cool To Be Friends With For A While
When you’re in college in a big city, it sometimes seems like a good idea to befriend an actual grown-up. Someone who has their own apartment and wears expensive loafers and knows how to entertain and mix drinks and all that stuff. A platonic, fancy adult hangout with an older, wiser person who wasn’t trying to fuck you!
Guess what: He was totally trying to fuck you. Think of it this way: now that you’re, say, 25, how much time would you spend hanging out with 18-year-olds? Yeah. Not much. Let him go. He’s been putting off a trip to Crate and Barrel for a few days anyway.
10. Anyone You Met At Welcome Week
You’re kidding me. Still?