• 1. Goth on a Rooftop

    Goth on a Rooftop

    Get down from that roof goth! It isn’t safe! I know that being amongst mere mortals means compromising your solitude and forces you to be eye level with ground-level heathens, but you could fall and hurt your leg, and then you’d be a limpy goth.

  • 2. Goths at Disneyland

    Goths at Disneyland

    Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, yet your Dark Lord and Lady of the Netherworld costumes fill the park with sadness. Why are you trying to drown the children’s dreams goth? Why are you trying to hurt the children?

  • 3. Goth in a Minivan

    Goth in a Minivan

    Since when do goths ride in mini vanz? Just because it has a long back like a hearse doesn’t make it cool. You’ d really rather ride in a hearse, but you will have to wait until you’ve met your fate goth. Be patient and stick to dark, black vehicles (preferably from the early 60’s) for now and GET OUT OF THAT VERY UNGOTHY MINIVAN! I am just trying to help you, goth!

  • 4. Goth with a Kitty

    Goth with a Kitty

    Put down that kitteh goth! Kitties have an evolved psychic sense and he knows you want to turn his nice black fur into a little furry top hat for your next goth dance.

  • 5. Goth with a Baby

    Goth with a Baby

    Nooo! Put that baby down goth! Eternal life is not worth eating that baby goth! Put him down and perhaps try listening to The Cure’s Head on the Door for the 11 millionieth time.

  • 6. Goth Solving Crime

    Goth Solving Crime

    Goths aren’t supposed to solve crime! (Unless you are channeling up a dead victim’s spirit by conjuring them up with a seance from the Netherworld, in which case it is okay).

  • 7. Goth in Front of a Brick Wall

    Goth in Front of a Brick Wall

    Get out from in front of that brick wall goth! What do you think you are a Reservoir Dog? You don’t have a cool suit and an assigned color so please do not stand in front of that wall. You should be sitting in an attic or cellar, burning a candle and misting up to Bauhaus and The Damned while your pet bat protects you from the cretins who surround you.

  • 8. Goth in a Parking Lot

    Goth in a Parking Lot

    Why are you just hanging out in that parking lot goth? A parking lot is not a very gothy place. Unless it’s a back parking lot. Then perhaps that is kind of cool. All the really cool kids in my high school hung out in the back parking lot - the ones who couldn’t be bothered with cheer and student body councils. Yet, you are not a car dear goth. I cannot drive you to work. Now I’m gonna be late to work. Thanks a lot goth.

  • 9. Goth at the Beach

    Goth at the Beach

    GET OUT OF THE SUN, Goth! The sun and sand is not for you. Your skin will darken and your porcelain, indoors-y friends will ostracize you. We don’t want to see you get kicked out of the goth club, so please stay in the shade and only go out at night if possible. Also, where did you get those cute tights? (We want a pair, call us!)

  • 10. Goth on Reality TV

    Goth on Reality TV

    Why are you on my reality show about dating goth? You are not a bleach blonde bombshell. You are messing with the delicate balance of the reality show character universe, Millionaire Matchmaker goth!