Oh Katie, don’t look so glum! All of these women emerged from their divorces victorious. So pay attention.
1. Become A Mogul, Like Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson’s music career may have died following her divorce from Nick Lachey, but she went on to build a fashion empire approaching a worth of $1 billion — which is the kind of business mega luxury label Michael Kors does. The cash didn’t stop flowing: Simpson got pregnant, used the press about her never-ending pregnancy to launch a maternity line, and forge a reportedly multi-million dollar Weight Watchers deal. And apparently, you don’t even have to be pregnant to get a Weight Watchers deal: the company told Us Weekly they had been talking to Simpson since before she was pregnant.
KATIE’S TAKEAWAY: Focus her post-divorce “sadness” into her work, like the Holmes & Yang line she launched with her stylist last year. Grow the business while settling down with a new romantic partner — someone attractive and known but definitely not more famous than you — gain ten pounds, get Jenny Craig’s interest, get pregnant, sign a multi-million deal, then have the baby after an unusually long pregnancy. Everyone will be riveted! Oh also, tweet your way through it to show you have personality. OPTIONAL: acquire mummy costume for said tweeting.
2. Make Money Off Your Marriage, Like Kim Kardashian
Well we all know the story here, right? Kim banked her marriage for all it was worth, earning about $2,300 for each hour of it, which is pretty genius, you have to admit, even if in your mind she represents everything wrong with the human race. Plus, now all her fans who actually like her are watching her horrible E! show again and taking her side!
KATIE’S TAKEAWAY: Milk this for the cash. Do a book. Do an Oprah interview (or maybe Katie Couric since I guess her show will be the hot new thing everyone wigs out over). Also find a way to make sure people are on your side as much as possible. Kim has her show, but you! You could do something so much better than that — like a Dawson’s Creek reunion!
3. Date Someone Normal, Like Britney Spears
Following her disastrous romance and divorce from apparent good-for-nothing Kevin Federline, Britney settled down with her manager and got a bajillion dollar deal to judge X Factor. Now it’s almost like everyone’s forgotten about the head-shaving incident and hospital stretcher flailing.
KATIE’S TAKEAWAY: Consider dating someone who works BEHIND the scenes in entertainment. After all, you want someone who will support your ego’s wildest dreams — not think your little light is theirs to shine. Also, definitely get a spot on the judging panel of the acting version of all these singing competition shows. By the time the dust settles from all this you know one of the Osbournes will be hosting that.
4. Start Wearing Sparkly Catsuits, Like J. Lo
Following her highly publicized break up from Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez settled down with a hot younger man that made Anthony look like a sock that gets left behind in the washer and shrivels up on the side of the machine, only to be peeled off later in a crusty mess. Meanwhile this new guy, Casper, is like a freshly steamed jersey dress. Also key in the J. Lo post-divorce life chapter: her astounding array of second-skin sparkles she calls catsuits did not stop.
KATIE’S TAKEAWAY: Acquire said sparkly catsuit post-haste. I don’t care if you date a younger man or not (that would be cool and all) but nothing gets people on the side of a divorced female celebrity like a body stocking encrusted with Swarovski crystals. But whatever you do: NO PITBULL COLLABORATIONS!!! The world has WAY too many of those.
5. Change Your Look, Like Katy Perry
The genius thing about Katy Perry’s divorce is that her pink hair color was probably a bigger story. Because as soon as she married Russell Brand all anyone knew was that it was a temporary engagement — like going out to a dinner that takes a little longer than it should. Katie Holmes is sort of in the same situation, because we all knew her split would come, but five years is a really long time for this sort of thing. That’s like a weekend skiing with mediocre people who don’t deserve two days of your time.
KATIE’S TAKEAWAY: Do something fun to your hair. Or try a new trend, like nail art. People will take notice and it will detract from the awkwardness of going through a highly public divorce.
6. Trash Your Ex, Like Madonna
Madonna’s divorce from Guy Richie was one of the smoothest in superstar history. She got out before rumors of her affair with Yankees beefcake A-Rod and speculation about the $92 million settlement she ended up paying him spiraled out of control. She may have told the press Richie was an “emotional retard” and later yakked on about how she’d rather “get run over by a train” than enter into holy matrimony again, but that kind of hate-talk is like her purposefully exposing a nipple: Everyone sort of looks over the news, shrugs, and moves on.
KATIE’S TAKEAWAY: Give the press a couple of comments about how crazy Tom Cruise and his Scientology ways are, then zip it and ride the press into the promotion of an album.