The Jorts That Are Ruining Jorts

Jorts are the world’s single greatest item of clothing. But recently, they’ve succumbed to a terrible plague.

1. Jean shorts — “jorts” hereafter — just may be the world’s single greatest item of clothing.


They’re comfortable, versatile, cheap, and easy to DIY from a pair of old jeans. Whoever you are, whatever your style is, you’re guaranteed to find a pair of jorts that suits you.

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2. You can wear your jorts short.

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3. Or wear your jorts long.

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4. Dress them up.

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5. Or dress them down. Just look how happy this girl is!

It’s obviously because she’s wearing jorts!

Because jorts are great. Happiness in shorts form.

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6. But lately, some jorts have succumbed to what looks like a jorts flu.

They’re suffering. They’re off. They’re uncomfortable-looking and sad and sometimes scary. Their fronts sometimes consist of nothing but a zipper fly.

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7. These trapeze acid wash jorts are just confused.

The jorts plague of 2013 has gone to their head.

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8. These DIY American flag jorts have been feeling fuzzy for a while.

They’ve lost their identity. You might call it a “crisis.”

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9. These jorts are trying to remember what life was like before they had the same proportions as the bottom half of a one-piece bathing suit.

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10. Some jorts are so out of sorts they’ve turned sickly colors.

And stopped shaving.

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11. And still other jorts are growing fringe so long you could braid it.

Not just regular braids, but really complicated braids — the kinds of braids you need hair this long to pull off.

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12. And don’t think man jorts are immune to this epidemic.

Because they’re not.

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13. Some jorts are so sickly they’re turning all kinds of colors at once.

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14. Some jorts are so confused they’re cutting unnecessary holes in themselves.

Tricking their owners into mistaking such holes for pockets. It’s a tragic situation.

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15. The truth is, many, many jorts are eerily bleached, hole-punched, and sporting very bad haircuts right now.

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16. You can’t put a Band-Aid over this problem.

Oh wait, that’s not a Band-Aid — those are jorts.

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17. These jorts have purged their pockets.

They’ve forgotten that just because Gwyneth Paltrow says to do things, that doesn’t mean you have to!

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18. These jorts are so out of sorts they’re gluing wallpaper all over their face.

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19. And these jorts just want some drawers to store their craft supplies and friendship bracelets.

They’re not feeling well enough to put things away.

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20. And sequins have attacked these jorts, spreading like a bad rash.

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21. Even suspenders can’t pull these jorts out of the dark depths to which they’ve descended.

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22. As you can see, the jorts plague has caused a serious jorts identity crisis.

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Just have faith that in time, the world’s jorts will recover.

We’ll get through this together.

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