1. Scariest Jumpsuit: Kristen Stewart
You know what? I don’t actually hate this, since this is the most interesting thing to walk down a red carpet in a while, and the last thing red carpets need are actresses who try to look interesting via peplums or some other odious, not-fun trend.
And I have to assume that a girl who used to be so cocky she wouldn’t even wear a pair of non-sneaker shoes on a red carpet when everyone else went out of their way to dress up might NOW put on ridiculous-looking shit like this, by the astounding designer Zuhair Murad (learn more about him here!), and just be laughing from within her hideously embellished, mesh-and-sequin, backless choice. They wanted me to dress up? says the voice inside her head. I’LL GIVE THEM DRESSING UP! This is a madwoman’s outfit.
2. Least Organic Jumpsuits: Rita Ora
In case you don’t know who Rita Ora is, she sings that song, “How We Do (Party)” that goes, “I get that drunk sex feeling,” etc., etc. I don’t believe she’s wearing this jumpsuit because she really likes the way it looks. I get the feeling she’s only wearing it because she knows that one way divas look “edgy” these days is by wearing one-piece outfits, especially lace ones that make everyone watching wonder how thoroughly lined they are.
I know fun pants are in, but when you wear them attached to a fun top of the same pattern and tightness you end up looking like a confused Nascar race entrant.
3. Best Mind-Fuck Jumpsuit: Jennifer Morrison
Well this is an interesting cutout!
It gets more interesting in the back!
I only sort of wish the zigzagging continued onto her legs. If you’re wearing a jumpsuit, people are already going to assume you’re into “trying,” so you may as well go all out.
4. Most Over-Accessorized Jumpsuit: Cheryl Cole
She looks like she tried to put together a suit of armor to protect everything but her face and her boobs.
5. Best Jumpsuit Wearer of All Time: Jennifer Lopez
I have a special place in my heart for Jennifer Lopez and her vast array of jumpsuits. It’s like she wakes up every morning and thinks, What kind of body stocking can I wear that will make me look naked but not, and also highly textured and/or shiny?
When she needs more of a “New York” outfit she goes for something like this black lace onesie that has that “painted-on” look that works so well for the stage. I should also note she is a huge fan of Zuhair Murad, who designed her tour wardrobe, therefore contributing a LOT to jumpsuit fashion over the past couple of years.
This one has FRINGE!
6. Most Blandly Unflattering Jumpsuits: Jessica Biel
Yes, this is a jumpsuit, not pants and a top. Why not just wear a real outfit? Jumpsuit-studying anthropologists are still trying to figure this out about people who wear jumpsuits.
I like a good grandma suit every now and then, but this is styled all wrong. You gotta wear this stuff more like a tracksuit to make it all ironic and cool so you don’t confuse the kids. Think more like those ladies that speed walk in the mall for exercise, less like you’re wearing something you think looks more “fashion” with orange pumps.
8. Best Jumpsuit Comeback: The Spice Girls
Scary Spice lives up to her name with some fine gold sequined, tight-fitting tiger stripes. It’s no Zuhair Murad masterpiece, but when you’re off the scene for this long, it’s hard to compete with J. Lo for the attentions of the world’s most premier jumpsuit designers.
More plain but still of note: the other Mel, who managed to wear those wedge sneakers above the age of 24 without looking like she was clinging to her pre-Botox past.
9. Most Generic Jumpsuits: Jessie J.
Here she is at the Olympics, demonstrating no grasp of the concept of texture, which is EXTREMELY important if you’re going to wear a skintight jumpsuit.
Is this supposed to be her off-duty but painfully aware-of-the-fact-that-she’ll-be-walking-where-she’ll-be-photographed-a ton-jumpsuit? This one-piece at once tries really hard but also doesn’t try at all. Is it a sleeping bag with a belt and safety pins running up the backs of the legs?
10. Best Fashion Show Jumpsuit: M.I.A.
This is Christina Hendricks realizing that it’s time for her to go home and put on something interesting enough to appear next to M.I.A.’s outfit and be noticed at least slightly. Either that or she’s looking at the person who recruited her to attend this Versace show and saying she’s going to kill them for dressing her like a Real Housewife at a funeral when M.I.A. got to go looking like a trophy wrapped in a protective dinner napkin.
11. Best Jumpsuit For Singing on a Fake Boat: Justin Bieber
Biebs holds the dubiously honorable distinction of being the only male on this list! Yay Bieber! He wore this plastic janitor’s costume to perform on a fake ship, with sails and everything. I guess it’s part of his tour, the section where “Captain Bieber sails the high seas formed entirely by the tears of horny 14-year-olds.”
12. Classiest Jumpsuit: Emma Stone
I still don’t understand why people wear jumpsuits that look like separates when they could just wear separates like normal human beings, but this looks really nice on Emma Stone, who is un-hatable.
13. Best Crackle-Effect Jumpsuit: Elizabeth Banks
It’s like nail art for your arms and legs. Also perfect for those who hate wearing underwear!
14. Most Irreverant Jumpsuit: Miley Cyrus
The ideal combination of carefree braless-ness, tight chambray sauciness, and below-the-belt giganticness.
15. Best Minimal Jumpsuit: Tilda Swinton
This looks completely weird but Tilda has a really rare quality that allows her to go around looking like a mental patient wearing a name tag at a formal and still look chic.
16. Worst Genie Pants Jumpsuit: Jada Pinkett-Smith
This would have looked a lot more appealing if she hadn’t worn the generic sort of jacket and jewelry that the mom in Homeland would wear one piece at a time. (Not that she’d wear any of them for very long since she seems required to get naked from at least the waist up every episode.)
17. Best Caped Jumpsuit: Fan Bing Bing
I love this. It’s so “magician meets Bed Bath & Beyond sale section.”
18. Best Hipster Jumpsuit: Anne Valerie Hash
This is from Hash’s spring 2013 fashion show, so keep an eye out for one of the Girls actors to wear this on an important red carpet next year.
19. Best Beverly Hills Jumpsuit: Anne Valerie Hash
Because no one will look good in this. Which is the quality that seems to dictate the clothing choices of lots of the Real Housewives of that part of the country.
20. Best “Golden Girls” Jumpsuit Homage: Rose Byrne
White wide-legged pants and these kinds of sequins that stick out all over like the fur of a scared cat always make me think of women over 70, I don’t know why.
21. Most Nonsensical Jumpsuit: Unknown Uzbekistan Designer
This walked down the runway at Uzbekistan’s Underground Youth Fashion Show at Style.Uz Art Week 2012. It sure is whimsical yet dark at the same time!
22. Most Awkward Jumpsuit Piping: Nicki Minaj
They must not have used a level to put this on her because none of the seams look like they’re in quite the right place. They’re like crooked macaroni art, somehow.
23. Most Monstrous Knitted Jumpsuit: Francis
This appeared on the runway of the designer Francis at Barcelona Fashion Week. I bet it attracts cats.
24. Best See-Through, Embellished Jumpsuit: Jean Paul Gaultier
The French just get it when it comes to wearable fashion.
25. Almost the Best Jumpsuit on This List: Gwen Stefani
I really love Gwen’s style and this outfit, really I do, except for one thing: the PEPLUM.
I hate peplum. She’d be better off wearing a fanny pack instead of a random flap of wavy fabric over her abdomen. That said, I’m impressed that whoever made this managed to combine peplums and jumpsuits. Now, please never do it again.
26. Worst Jumpsuit: Jessica White
I think this is what happens when people know how gorgeous they are. They wear the most insane, hideous things because — whatever! — they’re really hot and if anyone can pull of 18th century underwear as an outfit, it’s them.
27. Best Jumpsuits of the Year: Marc Jacobs
The most memorable looks from Marc Jacobs’ latest runway show were the jumpsuits, obviously. How great are these?
I absolutely cannot wait for someone really famous to wear one of these on a red carpet (ideally to one of the major award shows) and confuse the fuck out of the general public.
Here’s to an amazing, jumpsuit-filled 2013!!!!
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