1. Madonna arrived only after Beyoncé — and shook her partially exposed ass for the photographers.
She is the only person on the planet (except for maybe Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama) who can rightfully arrive after Beyoncé and not have everyone waiting there for hours hate her for it or find her presumptuous. When Beyoncé entered the carpet, it was like a moment of zen — everyone fell silent as she puttered about, turning daintily to and fro like a ballerina in a music box. But when Madonna came on — perhaps because she is a true punk and Beyoncé is not — all the photographers started yelling. “MADONAAAA!!! FASHION!!! RAAAAA!!!” I’m not kidding: “MADONNA!!! GIVE FASHION!! WEEERRRKKK!!!” And so every so often she’d turn around and wiggle her butt a little bit, which only made them yell louder because that wasn’t actually what they wanted to photograph. Because they are crazy. Or, maybe, just punk.
She attended with her twentysomething dancer boyfriend (right), who wore a Givenchy kilt and leopard man blouse and told reporters he hoped for peace in the Middle East.
2. Beyoncé made J.Lo and Kate Upton look like big fat nobodies.
There was Beyoncé at the bottom of the carpet, hair and cleavage aloft, boots and train aflame in orange. And somewhere up the steps J.Lo, wearing what was essentially a sheer body stocking, was talking to cameras, and Kate Upton was reminding a reporter that yeah, she was at this event last year. And no one cared that they were there or wearing clothes or hot or anything.
3. Beyoncé said her corset was so tight she wanted to cut the lacing in the back with scissors.
Look, everyone has to start somewhere if they want to one day be punk badasses. (And Beyoncé is many, many things — but not a punk badass.)
4. Marc Jacobs opined, for reporters, about what punk meant, and decided it would translate to a girl in a small town who was skinny and wore lots of dark eyeliner and didn’t know how to use the internet.
That and wearing a tuxedo, which he seemed to find rebellious. But I guess when you wear pajamas all the time, the way Marc does now, that would seem rebellious.
His date Sofia Coppola also wore PJs, looked awesome, and surely made every other woman there wearing something tight, exposing, and spiked with a collar and leash around her neck jealous of her unfettered elegance.
5. Anna Wintour turned her back on a reporter who asked how punk inspires her creativity.
This punk move entirely made up for the fact that she showed up in sparkly pink floral print that you could just see on any Florida-dwelling grammie’s sofa — or Katy Perry’s beanbag.
6. Every major celebrity present had her own train bitch.
A train bitch is a person who follows a celebrity around arranging her train for photos. This is less so to prevent a person from tripping than to make sure it looks just right for the cameras. As her train bitch, Beyoncé employed a dude wearing sequin harem pants (not Justin Bieber, no) who I was told was her stylist. He had to flatten out her train because it was cut at the end in some kind of elaborate Baroque shape, and this had to be evident in all photos. (God forbid, no unflattering photos.) Rooney Mara also had a train bitch, but hers wasn’t wearing sequined harem pants and was therefore less memorable.
(I feel compelled to note Heidi Klum had a purse bitch, but she was wearing pastel blue peplums and her purse was a feathery pouf of a thing, so none of it was punk at all.)
7. French Vogue editor Emmanuelle Alt wore a Balmain jumpsuit from the collection no one really liked.
And she looked awesome. Because she is Emmanuelle Alt, and she’s just that sort of French enigma that can wear a weird genie jumpsuit and look more elegant than everyone else there who thought a lot harder about it and got their makeup done for the occasion.
8. No one actually seemed to care all that much that Kim Kardashian was there.
Cameron Diaz was there with spikes protruding straight out from her waist, Donatella was a dream in a tight shiny black dress with mega spikes on the shoulders (see below), Anja Rubik and Gisele were practically naked in their Anthony Vaccarello gowns. Honestly, Kim and her bizarre gloved-sleeve situation were beside the point.
9. Gwyneth covered up.
It’s punk considering she normally has 18 times this amount of her body either bare or exposed with an awkwardly placed sheer paneling. This feels like rebellion for her.
10. Anne Hathaway bleached her hair and wore a dress from the early ’90s.
I know, it’s like, who is she — Courtney Love? But finally that short hair started to look like it was working for her and less like a by-product of a miserable, Oscar-winning head-shaving. Though don’t get too used to this — she said she has to dye it back for a role soon. The dress is from the Valentino archive — year 1992 — the most punk thing they could find in there, unsurprisingly.
11. Karlie Kloss wore a dress that could have very well bore the sweat of Kate Moss.
It was the same Louis Vuitton dress Moss wore in the label’s most recent runway show. Was it cleaned between her and Karlie? Hopefully not. Musk of Moss = punk.
12. Cara Delevingne made a crazy face at reporters and then ran away.
Was it because she was afraid someone was going to ask about that whole incident involving her stomping on a tiny plastic bag filled with a curious-looking white powder? Who knows and who cares — this is a fashion party! And she’s punk.
13. Doutzen Kroes wore a custom Olivier Theyskens gown inspired by old car seats.
She also said she wants to change wardrobes with Rihanna. I get it, but I can’t picture it.
14. A lot of women too chicken to shave part of their heads or temporarily color their hair for the night created the illusion of a half-shaven head with tiny French braids.
I call this look “”“”punk”“”” with extra quotes. Because really, ladies, if Miley Cyrus can show up like she did and Marissa Mayer went with blue and orange streaks in her hair, surely you can muster a little more edge than two tiny French side braids.
15. Miley Cyrus looked awesome, bra-less.
You’d be surprised how much drama a 20-year-old can get out of a simple sparkly black net and the faux hawk Tom Ford told reporters he would have worn had he enough hair.
16. Rooney Mara seemed to have no idea how normal people get ready for things.
One reporter wanted to know, were there a lot of people helping her get dressed this evening? “No,” she said. “There was about four people.” Just four, everyone, NBD.
17. Zandra Rhodes wore a legit punk outfit from 1977.
18. Lauren “Sleeves” Domingo implied her jewelry doubled as a weapon.
She wasn’t worried about it getting caught in the netting of her couture Dolce & Gabbana gown, but, “My dinner partner may be worried about getting caught in something,” she giggled. “They’ll have to be on their best behavior.”
19. Designer Wes Gordon admitted he’s a “big Belieber.”
That takes balls, especially nowadays.
20. Amar’e Stoudemire claimed Anna Wintour eats popcorn.
His favorite memory of Anna: “I invited her to the Knicks game, she sat courtside, we high-fived, and ate popcorn. It was great.” Obviously, this is a bold statement — Anna Wintour eats buttery snacks at sporting events? “Think so,” he said, before reconsidering and admitting: “I don’t know.” (????)
21. Karolina Kurkova admitted that she’d never had a Jell-O shot.
“What’s that?” the accented Czech beauty wondered wondered of the gooey treat that was — yes — actually on the night’s menu. “I’ve never had one. I’m going to try.”
22. Greta Gerwig actually admitted she was nervous about making it up the stairs without tripping.
She was wearing giant Louboutins under her Saint Laurent train and might not have had the train bitch afforded to Bey and Rooney. “Just breathe,” she said. “You have to breathe.”
23. Karlie Kloss shut down all the people hating on her short hair.
“It makes me feel sexy, so that’s all that matters,” said the Victoria’s Secret model. And yes, she’s keeping her hair short.
24. Supermodel Anja Rubik wore a tight, short, red leather shirtdress by Anthony Vaccarello with NO boob tape.
“Last year there was a lot of tape,” Rubik said. “Not this year.” Though last year, “Tape was only for the upper [part],” she said. “I didn’t really need it — it was more for psychological safety.” She continued, “We knew there was no chance of anything coming out. So I actually enjoyed the thrill. And especially in the States where they have such a weird approach to nudity — it was so shocking. In Europe I don’t think anyone would really notice.”
And in case you somehow managed to forget what Anja wore last year…
25. Lisa Falcone claimed her dress was totally non-scary to walk in and easy to wear.
LIES. This thing looked like thick neon plastic matting. Like what you’d use to floor a carwash. She also had huge Louis Vuitton platforms on her feet under there, and layered the dress — made entirely of neon studs — over a black bra from Frederick’s of Hollywood. “Oh, so everyone can buy that!” I said. She quickly disabused me of this notion — the collection obviously isn’t in stores yet, if it’s on her.
26. Donatella Versace showed up wearing this.
I WORSHIP AT THE ALTAR OF HER TACKY. I truly do.
27. Before the red carpet opened, Giuliana Rancic had to wait in the press holding pen, like a plebeian reporter.
Because she’s hardcore about celebrity interviewing like that, and she will go to these lows.
28. The press had to stand in this pile of garbage.
This was neatly concealed from attendees by the plywood barrier. While the celebrity-facing side of the divider was affixed with nice soft leaves you see on the ground here, the press on the other unfinished side of the barrier were subjected to piles of garbage and knee splinters all night. At least if the un-sanded wood ripped anyone’s tights, that would make them more “punk.”
29. Seinfeld hardcore photobombed Anne Hathaway’s new hair.
And the least punk of the night award goes to: Tom Brady.
It pains me to say it because both of them are so amusing. But it’s even hard to enjoy Gisele’s bare side next to this really unfortunate cornflower-blue nonsense on Tom.
Next year, these two will be back on top.
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