Grading The Gowns: Miss Universe Edition

It takes a lot more than blinding sparkles to make a good pageant dress.

11. Miss Venezuela

She gets points for trying something different with the stripes but loses more points for looking like a big green sparkle slinky. Also the lack of volume and train makes her look like a caterpillar.

Grade: F

Image by David Becker / Getty Images

10. Miss Brazil

The contrasting stripes of sparkles add a small amount of intrigue but not enough to keep me from wondering if those sparkly blue spheres behind her are actually exercise balls that allow the contestants and host Giulana Rancic to do crunches between segments. Also the crispy nature of the fabric cheapens this too much for me.

Grade: D-

Image by David Becker / Getty Images

9. Miss Hungary

I’m sorry, did she come from getting married in one of Miss Universe base camp city Las Vegas’s nearby wedding chapels? This is a wedding dress, not an outrageous or interesting pageant gown. Where’s the intrigue? The weird element that makes us remember this moment? That said, it’s a better looking wedding dress than you see on 99% of the eight million reality shows that are about picking out wedding dresses.

Grade: D-

Image by David Becker / Getty Images

8. Miss Russia

This looks like a sparkly bathing suit with an oversized sarong hanging off it. Design-wise it doesn’t quite cohere for me. If this were Project Runway, you know Nina would ask why the designer spent so much time on the sparkly bodice but not the skirt.

Grade: D

Image by David Becker / Getty Images

7. Miss Philippines

The “under the sea” flavor of this gown gives it design cred. It feels less like a bunch of sparkly shit sewn into a figure-flattering item of clothing than a real IDEA.

Grade: B-

Image by David Becker / Getty Images

6. Miss South Africa

But the scale-like sequins all over this gown and its mermaid train make me think “mermaid princess,” which is an even better idea than the “under the sea” dress above.

Grade: B

Image by David Becker / Getty Images

5. Miss France

Leave it to France and her country’s fashion cred to class the joint up a bit. This is not my favorite evening gown ever but you could see someone like Ana Kendrick wearing it to the Golden Globes or something and E!’s Fashion Police and People magazine putting it on a best-dressed list.

Grade: B

Image by David Becker / Getty Images

4. Miss Australia

This is another perfectly acceptable red-carpet option! It has legit awards show potential, and it’s always impressive when that happens at a beauty pageant. But the boning in the top makes it look too “Victoria’s Secret catalog” for this to be an A+ choice.

Grade: B+

Image by David Becker / Getty Images

3. Miss Universe 2011

I like this because she showed that you can be dramatic and attention-getting at a beauty pageant without looking like Carnivale shit sparkles all over you. This is pageant avant garde.

Grade: A-

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2. Miss Mexico

This has the same “sparkly bathing suit with attached sarong” quality that Miss Russia’s gown did, but this succeeds because it’s Christmasy, and everyone loves Christmas right now. Also the neckline is so bizarre and the leg opening so dramatic that you’ll remember this the next day. And as a pageant contestant, if you can get audiences to remember you past that night, you’re doing something right.

Grade: A

Image by David Becker / Getty Images

1. Miss USA

Go USA! Obviously being an American, I’m biased, but she really managed to achieve drama in a modern way with this velvet-and-chiffon look. Without any sequins here, you totally remember this and think, WOW, and not just because of her breasts, which almost put Blake Lively’s rack to shame.

Image by David Becker / Getty Images

But because her dress did THIS! This is joy in a pageant gown, right here. The Christmas gift under America’s Christmas Tree. The uniform Mrs. Claus wished she had. That’s our girl!

Grade: A+++

Image by David Becker / Getty Images