1. Guy Fieri, have you, if not looked at the clothes in your closet, at least felt them?
When you felt them, did nausea spread from your thumb and forefinger throughout your entire body? That certain kind of intense near-seasick feeling that can only be brought on by a grown man (who is not PSY or Justin Bieber) wearing a suit that offends the senses of both sight and touch with its disturbing, glistening brocade pattern?
2. When you protect your eyes from the sun, do you consider that a thick bright yellow frame paired with a reflective neon orange lens might actually hurt the eyes of everyone else?
Have you ever looked at them yourself and thought, These will make everyone around me need sunglasses and People probably know who I am even if I don’t wear my name on the side of my face?
3. When you went to the Kentucky Derby in May, did you notice that your pink shirt — the one that glows like Pepto Bismol — actually sort of clashed with Lori Fieri’s outfit?
And somehow managed to wash out your sun-kissed complexion? Did you realize when you slipped your arms into that gray jacket that its suggestion of faded stripes detracted from it like a plate leaching grease from one of your infamous Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders?
4. Why do you wear tattoo prints?
Why do you wear glasses indoors? Do you read Us Weekly enough to know that even Angelina Jolie doesn’t do that?
5. Why does your leather jacket look like a layer of caked mud?
Why do you wear boots in a color that’s a metallic version of your T-shirts? Why haven’t you apparently heard, and definitely not internalized in any way whatsoever, the oft-repeated phrase “less is more”?
6. Do you call this shirt “Guy’s Fabulous Paisley Blouse”? Why?
And to that point, why don’t your shirts have adjectives on them? Or “Guy” embroidered with contrasting thread?
Is that guy dead?
7. Is this brown plaid shirt supposed to vaguely approximate the color scheme of your goatee?
Or did you select it when you were wearing your sunglasses, and actually think the color was actually more blue, like the Playboy bunny’s outfit?
Is the tan detailing at the shoulder meant to approximate the color of your Almond Joy cocktail?
8. Did you know that embroidery in menswear is about as easy for any dude to pull off as the promise hanging on a sign in your restaurant, “WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!”?
Do you think always pointing a few fingers straight out makes you spicy? Is that your sartorial “FLAVOR TOWN!”?
9. Do you know that they make black shirts that don’t have purple accenting inside the collars?
And that when you have bleached locks perpetually immune to the power of gravity, you draw quite a bit of attention to your own head/yourself already?
10. Is wearing your own name above the image of an eagle on your own shirt “supposed be a representation in [red and white] of the experience of going insane?”
And because it can’t be said enough, “Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?”
Surely if you own some plain jeans, you understand the value of stylistic simplicity?
Actually, we don’t really need to know.
Inspiration for this post: As Not Seen on TV [NYT]