1. The Don’t: Tevas
You would never see a Teva — the shoe of river tubers, hippie parents, and people who forgot to pack their water moccasins — on someone who fancies herself “fashionable.” Probably the only person who could make these “cool” is Katie Holmes, because she really did a hell of a lot for those saggy, husband jeans, which are equally dorky. Without her to popularize the style, fashion designers had to go it alone with some leather versions.
The Do: Alexander Wang Sandals
These were $550, and are now on sale for $322. I wouldn’t wear them tubing unless I were rich as hell but since they’re Alexander Wang their dorkiness is excused in most any situation.
2. The Don’t: Sweatshirt Tied Around the Waist
I take it this was cool when Anna Wintour did it in the ’90s but can you imagine making such a deliberate choice about it now? “Oh I know what this oversized white sweatshirt needs — another beige one around the waist.” Anyway, now thanks to one clever fashion designer, it is again a DO.
The Do: Philip Lim Sweatshirt Skirt With Tie Waist
Seems to be sold out at a bunch of places, but at least if you really want it this is damn easy to DIY with a tight skirt, an old gray sweater, and, like, a glue gun. Or just tie the thing you use to shield yourself from overly aggressive office air conditioners around your waist and call it a day.
3. The Don’t: Mom Visors.
Why, who off a golf course that doesn’t own a pair of martini glass-printed pants would be caught dead with this? No one, which is why the runways bore…
The Do: Hardcore Futuristic Fashion Visors by Alexander McQueen.
Get yours for $450. Justin Bieber’s car and eccentric dog on leash not included.
4. The Don’t: Blush-Colored Bootcut Pants
I seriously hope this guy was the single-handed inspiration for the extraordinary popularity of colored jeans. Just fabulous.
The Do: MiH Marrakesh Kick Flare Pants
Currently available at Shopbop. Why do I feel like, if you were going to walk around sipping something refreshing while wearing these, Odwalla juice is the beverage that would pair best?
5. The Don’t: Hideous Prints
It’s really not fair — if Kanye wore this it would be the kind of fashion statement that resonates worldwide. But Diddy just seems to lack that je ne sais quois Kanye possesses that allows him to effortless pull off effeminate (and in some case, actual women’s) clothing.
The Do: This Cool-Ugly Proenza Schouler Tee
Get yours for $280 and do prints without doing leopard for once.
6. The Don’t: Frayed Patchwork Jean Jacket
You know if Britney bedazzled this it would be an ideal performance look, but the lack of sparkle, splatter paint, or fire-spewing boob things just makes it fall flat.
The Do: Isabel Marant Colored Denim Jacket
Get yours for $925 at Barneys and proceed to… look extremely expensive.
The Do: Burberry and Prada’s Socks With Burberry and Prada’s Sandals
Two looks from the recent men’s spring 2013 runway shows. What better thing is there to pair with your overcoat when it rains than exposed socks? Nothing, that’s what.
8. The Don’t: Varsity Letters
You know a guy has the right athletic outerwear — fleeces, sweatshirts, varsity jackets, etc. — when it’s the kind of thing their girlfriends won’t want to give back after they break up. There is no way Selena Gomez is fighting with Bieber over this. “A” isn’t even either of their first or last initials so it’s a fail all around.
The Do: Jil Sander Monogrammed Sweater
Oh it’s just like what Abercrombie’s been doing for ages except eight million times more expensive and meant to be styled with things in the vein of a leather pencil skirt. Buy this at Net-a-porter.
Or if you want a more original varsity-themed look, you can try to track down one of these spectacular “pink+dolphin” jackets. Sadly this style is sold out on the brand’s website but if it were still available, obviously worth the $300 pricetag.
9. The Don’t: Colored Mirrored Shades
You would think Snooki’s endorsement of something would turn the high-minded fashion supremacists off an item for at least a couple of decades. But alas, it is not so.