First, the celebrities.
1. Debra Messing.
Oh this is even worse than her terrible “Smash” outfits.
2. How’d she get tricked into this?
Is this the celebrity’s version of “what was I thinking when I was drinking last night?” Instead of like, “what ex-boyfriend did I text,” what crazy-looking red people did I pose for photos with?
3. Gail Simmons
I think she was there to plug tea that comes in a salad dressing bottle — an occasion that makes this outfit absolutely outstanding. (I’d have shown up in a tracksuit were this my duty.)
5. Star Jones
If My Little Pony were a dress and hat this is what it would look like.
7. Mary J. Blige
She looks far too reasonable to be here. Also, she is cool, so why is she here?
9. Christian Siriano
Remember this Project Runway winner? He evidently salvaged part of the Pan Am wardrobe for this occasion.
10. Kate Flannery
It’s the Kentucky Derby, not the Zoro Derby — wrong hat, Kate.
12. Ice T and Coco
They are perfect always. (Her adorable day dress is Juicy Couture, by the way.)
14. Sharni Vinson and Kellan Lutz
She is one of the best-dressed of this whole thing. He looks like he raided Tom Brady’s closet. But he’s so attractive he can pretty much get away with anything.
15. Miranda Lambert
I appreciate her sequined fascinator!
17. Erin Andrews
She looks like she’s going to a wedding, but I guess that’s kind of The Look at this thing.
18. Bonnie-Jill Laflin
A rogue purple boa masquerades as hair fungus.
19. Cyndi Lauper
I can’t say anything bad about Cyndi Lauper. Her tomato dress was a clever choice.
20. Ginnifer Goodwin
This is the kind of dress that would look fashionable at a fashion event but just looks really dorky at something like this.
21. A model wearing an outfit made of roses.
Apparently stringing some roses together and wearing a few strands at once qualifies as a top. How have slutty Halloween people not figured this out yet?
22. Dannielynn Birkhead
She looked disturbingly gorgeous/perfect for her young age.
23. First prospective boyfriend for Dannielynn Birkhead.
24. Second prospective boyfriend for Dannielynn Birkhead.
Preppy toddler (with a boutonniere).
And now, the fabulously large hats.
People who are getting drunk…
And the drunk people.