45 Random, Busty, And Sparkly Cannes Fashion Highlights

Also: Justin Timberlake, who clearly has a really bad hair mousse addiction.

1. I won’t waste your time — I know 60% of you probably just clicked into this post to see Irina Shayk’s boobs.

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2. So let’s get right to it.

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3. She wants you to see them, too!

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4. Zachary Quinto was like, “The dress is almost there from a fashion perspective but it has that painted-on look that cheapens things.”

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You know thats what he was thinking — he’s wearing a patterned bowtie.

5. And Joan Smalls is like, “I was supposed to have the most eye-catching neckline here.”

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You can’t compete with Irina in the puffy shirt of red carpet gowns.

6. Jessica Chastain resisted the temptation to cut random holes in this purple tank gown.

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Maybe because you’d probably need a saw to get through all that beading. And ugh, isn’t wearing 10 ball gowns a day because you’re in Cannes enough?

7. Speaking of lots of ball gowns, Milla Jovovich was just about everywhere wearing as many as she possibly could.

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8. “HEY, GUYS, EYELINER TODAY!”

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9. “WORSHIP AT THE HEM OF MY SLIMMING PRINTED COLUMN DRESS THAT WOULD LOOK HIDEOUS ON ANY NORMALLY PROPORTIONED PERSON.”

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That Milla — so intense.

10. Petra Nemcova went for J. Lo’s patented “naked but not and also: SPARKLY!” look.

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It never fails — especially overseas.

11. She also wore her silk robe to another event.

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Less itchy than beading.

12. Barbara Palvin was like, “Since I’m wearing orange eye shadow, how about I do this instead of duckface?”

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13. Then she realized the wink just doesn’t scan in front of red carpet photographers and tried to take it back.

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14. I can never get enough jumpsuits, personally, so here’s one on Rhatha Phongam.

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If that’s not a lovely way to permanently attach your top to your pants I don’t know what is.

15. This tulle made its Canne debut at the Behind the Candelabra screening.

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Araya A. Hargate came as the tulle’s plus one.

16. Models! They’re just everywhere at Cannes, aren’t they? Here’s Jessica Hart’s back and Erin Heatherton’s front.

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17. Catherine Deneuve forwent the discomfort of projecting sex appeal in exchange for a cozy wrap.

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She’s probably done this so many times she just rolled off her couch ten minutes before this started, put on shoes, and went out the door.

18. Kylie Minogue!

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Australia’s most perfect swan.

19. In case you’ve been missing sleeves, Rosario Dawson wore an extra bulbous, very crusty set of them.

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Her dress is like, “God these sleeves are stage 5 clingers — don’t make me be seen with them.”

20. Well, wouldn’t you look this happy if your skirt did this?

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This is a model named Adriana Karembeu.

21. Anais Monory is a beautiful woman who should definitely be on the fashion industry’s radar.

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If she’s not wearing the hell out of those asymmetrical white tiers, no one’s ever worn the hell out of anything.

22. HALF-TIME: red carpet sideplank.

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We’ve still got a way’s to go, so you’ll want to make sure you’re doing your strength training.

23. Oh and here’s Jessica Hart’s front. Were you still wishing you’d seen it earlier or had you forgotten?

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I’d forgotten, personally. That’s where jumpsuits come in handy — they’re so much more memorable.

24. And Bai Ling finally showed up!

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In a glam mix of hot topic meets Coachella’s finest meets Comme des Garcons-esque avant garde. Best dressed!!!!

25. The photo wires don’t seem to know these ladies’ names, but they made quite a splash by being attractive and wearing the same boa.

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26. Sharon Stone alert.

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Peace, cleavage, Cannes.

27. Jessica Chastain also hit the carpet in a white cape with a big eye around her neck.

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What do you know? She shops the pope’s closet.

28. Dita Von Teese wore exactly what she always wears.

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A feminine, tea length, punchily colored, waist-defining, a-line number. With matching shoes. Cannes is probably the only place where she ever looks slightly underdressed.

29. Ana Pauls also channeled summer music festivals in her white lace dress and crown of flowers.

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I’d have gone for the full diamond tiara, personally. Give the fans something to remember you by.

30. Here’s Sharon Stone on her yacht.

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Because I’d just be a shitty blogger if I did a giant Cannes post with no yachts in it.

31. Alec Baldwin carried his pregnant wife around. There was much rejoicing.

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32. LOL.

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His wife was like, “Oh, this is TOO easy. Too. Easy.”

AMIRIGHT, GUYS?

33. But then he made her walk up the stairs in her train and heels.

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And there was a lot less rejoicing.

34. Dangle a panel of lace at the hem of your dress and it doesn’t look nearly as skimpy as it actually is.

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Touché, Sophie Desmarais.

35. Marion Cotillard looked flawless, as she always does.

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36. Zoe Saldana made the mistake of wearing these awkwardly humongous sleeves.

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And couldn’t hide that she, too, felt really awkward about them.

37. People will probably have mixed feelings about this Marion gown.

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38. Rosario Dawson is all, “You look like you’ve been highlighted LOL.”

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39. But Zoe was just looking a little sad about it. Why, Zoe?

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40. Oh, right — because Marion and her color-blocking were all you could see/think about for miles.

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Finding Zoe is like trying to find a shred of sanity in Lady Gaga’s brain — almost impossible but you know it’s there somewhere.

41. French actress Alyson Le Borges went with that “just had sex” look.

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Just another way to play off the fact that she looks exactly like Girls star Allison Williams, really.

42. And Selita Ebanks was sure to wear a color that would look terrible on everyone in the world but her.

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43. See?

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44. And I leave you with Hofit Golan.

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Who got a lift in from a manta ray.

45. And finally, Justin Timerlake.

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Who is still straightening his hair and still making us all extremely uncomfortable by it.

Correction: An earlier version of this item misidentified Alyson Le Borges as Allison Williams (5/23).

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