44 Things That Will Happen When You Become Miss USA

Miss USA 2012 Olivia Culpo has done everything from spinning class to yacht photo shoots. I hope you have your bandage dresses ready.

1. A year ago, Miss Rhode Island Olivia Culpo won Miss USA. She was like, “OH MY GOD! ME!”

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Miss Maryland was like “ahaha… you :(“

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2. Then she was all, “This just can’t be happening!”


Either that or she was embarrassed about the fact that she’d have to go everywhere wearing a huge crown. But then again, probably not.

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3. And so she embarked on a fabulous journey of being a beauty queen — that special kind of celebrity people refer to by title alone.

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Writers will have to look up your name whenever they write about you but: THAT CROWN. #priorities

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4. So when you’re Miss USA, the first thing they do is give you a business card.

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Oh, wait, just kidding — they’ll photograph you holding someone else’s business card when you do your first official visit someplace.

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5. You’ll know what it feels like to be Steven Spielberg.

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But you won’t have to do all that work — thankfully being Miss USA is more about getting your picture taken than directing films.

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6. You’ll practice wearing your sash in bona fide celebrity chairs.

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7. You’ll appear at food-tasting events, where people will try to feed you all kinds of cake.

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And you’ll try not to eat too much of it because you know you have to be in a swimsuit for the Miss Universe pageant, like, tomorrow.

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8. You’ll dress exactly like Olivia Palermo at least once or twice.

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9. But don’t worry — you’ll be back to your bandage dresses in no time.

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Philosophical questions for you: What would a beauty queen be without a bandage dress? What would a bandage dress be without a beauty queen?

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10. You’ll have a rumored affair with King Derp Ryan Lochte.

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And Donald Trump, who owns the pageants you won, will be in denial about your romantic entanglements. “That swimmer is all over her like a puppy dog,” he’ll tell the Daily News. “She’s rebuffed all kinds of celebrities. Olivia is focused on being Miss Universe. She’s a smart, good girl.”

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11. You’ll also get to go to some fashion shows.

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And if you wear these shoes, the person sitting next to you will give you major and justifiable side-eye.

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12. You’ll put on your purple jumpsuit and arrive at an event with fairies wearing Santa-esque costumes and be like, Do I have to?

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13. But you’ll get right into it in no time, because you’re Miss USA.

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And that’s what Miss USA does.

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14. But you won’t be reduced to a crown. You’ll still show off all the things you can do that have nothing to do with how pretty you are, like painting.

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15. You’ll appear at charity bike rides, but you won’t have to ride a bike.

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16. That doesn’t mean you won’t one day be photographed in a dorky bike-riding outfit.

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Because you most definitely will. A charitable cause will likely be involved.

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17. And of course, you’ll have to work out a lot.

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18. Because you’ll have to represent your homeland in the Miss Universe pageant!

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This is the costume designer who will fit you. Because sashes are so hard to fit.

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19. You’ll look like you walked straight out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog at the Miss Universe pageant.


Well, either that or Paris Hilton’s closet.

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20. And then you’ll win!!

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21. And just think, This crown is so much bigger than my last one.

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22. But you’ll adjust to its size in no time.

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Because you’re Miss Universe, and there’s nothing you can’t do.

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23. Then you’ll spend some time on a sofa practicing wearing your new sash.

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You’ll be super-excited about it inside, but you’ll manage to keep your enthusiasm in check. #classy

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24. You’ll think about the time you wore this on your head and be like LOLOL.

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25. And then you’ll dig your old Miss USA crown out of the trash and put it on Miss Maryland’s head.

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You won’t need it anymore now that you’re Miss Universe.

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26. When you wear your new crown at events, you’ll inevitabely think about how you have this crown and that person doesn’t.

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You’ll smirk a bit, but that’s OK, because you earned it.

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27. Sometimes the crown will feel heavy, and you’ll *sigh* inside.

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Also possible in this photo: She’s watching Ryan Lochte film his E! reality show and feeling sorry for him.

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28. You’ll travel far and wide to mingle with beauty queens all over the world.

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And you’ll get to wear really beautiful dresses while you do it.

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29. You’ll appear on stage with foreign beauty queens dressed in a remarkable gown that at once shows off your cleavage but also has a turtleneck.

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30. People will throw flower petals on the ground wherever you walk.

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31. And of course, you’ll have to stand at lecterns and speak about causes.

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32. Men will be all over you. Like Mario Lopez:

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33. And Aaron Quinton:

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34. Sometimes you’ll get to wear fashionable gowns, loaned to you by people who insist you just not mess them up with your crown or sash.

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You’ll oblige, but it will be hard not to feel a little lost inside.

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35. You’ll do lots of events with Miss Teen something or other and just be like, “Oh, aren’t you CUUUTE!”

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36. You’ll make this face every time a child wanders into your frame.

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37. And blow kisses to no one at an event at Dillard’s.

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38. Your fabulous year will culminate with a glamorous photo shoot on a yacht.

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That’s the “World Yacht,” for you yacht enthusiasts keeping track.

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39. The photographer will even get off the boat to take your picture from the dock.

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40. And you’ll have to change outfits to show off your gams.

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41. But life isn’t all uncomfortable shoes and tight clothes — you’ll get to dress down occasionally.

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42. And finally, you’ll get your picture taken with lots of random male CEOs.

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Like Bob Goldman, who runs the brand Chinese Laundry.

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43. And when it’s all over, you’ll kiss the fabulous life good-bye.

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44. And finally enjoy a little of this:

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Miss USA airs Sunday, so prepare to start the cycle all over again.

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