1. A year ago, Miss Rhode Island Olivia Culpo won Miss USA. She was like, “OH MY GOD! ME!”
Miss Maryland was like “ahaha… you :(“
2. Then she was all, “This just can’t be happening!”
Either that or she was embarrassed about the fact that she’d have to go everywhere wearing a huge crown. But then again, probably not.
3. And so she embarked on a fabulous journey of being a beauty queen — that special kind of celebrity people refer to by title alone.
Writers will have to look up your name whenever they write about you but: THAT CROWN. #priorities
4. So when you’re Miss USA, the first thing they do is give you a business card.
Oh, wait, just kidding — they’ll photograph you holding someone else’s business card when you do your first official visit someplace.
5. You’ll know what it feels like to be Steven Spielberg.
But you won’t have to do all that work — thankfully being Miss USA is more about getting your picture taken than directing films.
6. You’ll practice wearing your sash in bona fide celebrity chairs.
7. You’ll appear at food-tasting events, where people will try to feed you all kinds of cake.
And you’ll try not to eat too much of it because you know you have to be in a swimsuit for the Miss Universe pageant, like, tomorrow.
8. You’ll dress exactly like Olivia Palermo at least once or twice.
9. But don’t worry — you’ll be back to your bandage dresses in no time.
Philosophical questions for you: What would a beauty queen be without a bandage dress? What would a bandage dress be without a beauty queen?
10. You’ll have a rumored affair with King Derp Ryan Lochte.
And Donald Trump, who owns the pageants you won, will be in denial about your romantic entanglements. “That swimmer is all over her like a puppy dog,” he’ll tell the Daily News. “She’s rebuffed all kinds of celebrities. Olivia is focused on being Miss Universe. She’s a smart, good girl.”
11. You’ll also get to go to some fashion shows.
And if you wear these shoes, the person sitting next to you will give you major and justifiable side-eye.
12. You’ll put on your purple jumpsuit and arrive at an event with fairies wearing Santa-esque costumes and be like, Do I have to?
13. But you’ll get right into it in no time, because you’re Miss USA.
And that’s what Miss USA does.
14. But you won’t be reduced to a crown. You’ll still show off all the things you can do that have nothing to do with how pretty you are, like painting.
15. You’ll appear at charity bike rides, but you won’t have to ride a bike.
16. That doesn’t mean you won’t one day be photographed in a dorky bike-riding outfit.
Because you most definitely will. A charitable cause will likely be involved.
17. And of course, you’ll have to work out a lot.
18. Because you’ll have to represent your homeland in the Miss Universe pageant!
This is the costume designer who will fit you. Because sashes are so hard to fit.
19. You’ll look like you walked straight out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog at the Miss Universe pageant.
Well, either that or Paris Hilton’s closet.
20. And then you’ll win!!
21. And just think, This crown is so much bigger than my last one.
22. But you’ll adjust to its size in no time.
Because you’re Miss Universe, and there’s nothing you can’t do.
23. Then you’ll spend some time on a sofa practicing wearing your new sash.
You’ll be super-excited about it inside, but you’ll manage to keep your enthusiasm in check. #classy
24. You’ll think about the time you wore this on your head and be like LOLOL.
25. And then you’ll dig your old Miss USA crown out of the trash and put it on Miss Maryland’s head.
You won’t need it anymore now that you’re Miss Universe.
26. When you wear your new crown at events, you’ll inevitabely think about how you have this crown and that person doesn’t.
You’ll smirk a bit, but that’s OK, because you earned it.
27. Sometimes the crown will feel heavy, and you’ll *sigh* inside.
Also possible in this photo: She’s watching Ryan Lochte film his E! reality show and feeling sorry for him.
28. You’ll travel far and wide to mingle with beauty queens all over the world.
And you’ll get to wear really beautiful dresses while you do it.
29. You’ll appear on stage with foreign beauty queens dressed in a remarkable gown that at once shows off your cleavage but also has a turtleneck.
30. People will throw flower petals on the ground wherever you walk.
31. And of course, you’ll have to stand at lecterns and speak about causes.
32. Men will be all over you. Like Mario Lopez:
33. And Aaron Quinton:
34. Sometimes you’ll get to wear fashionable gowns, loaned to you by people who insist you just not mess them up with your crown or sash.
You’ll oblige, but it will be hard not to feel a little lost inside.
35. You’ll do lots of events with Miss Teen something or other and just be like, “Oh, aren’t you CUUUTE!”
36. You’ll make this face every time a child wanders into your frame.
37. And blow kisses to no one at an event at Dillard’s.
38. Your fabulous year will culminate with a glamorous photo shoot on a yacht.
That’s the “World Yacht,” for you yacht enthusiasts keeping track.
39. The photographer will even get off the boat to take your picture from the dock.
40. And you’ll have to change outfits to show off your gams.
41. But life isn’t all uncomfortable shoes and tight clothes — you’ll get to dress down occasionally.
42. And finally, you’ll get your picture taken with lots of random male CEOs.
Like Bob Goldman, who runs the brand Chinese Laundry.
43. And when it’s all over, you’ll kiss the fabulous life good-bye.
44. And finally enjoy a little of this:
Miss USA airs Sunday, so prepare to start the cycle all over again.