1. The most important new photos from Cannes are of The Bling Ring cast.
Because Sofia Coppola directed it and the cast is all young women and everyone’s really hoping this will be the antidote to that horrendous, rape-y Spring Breakers garbage. So there’s quite a bit of pressure on this bunch to make us forget about all that, but if a cast and crew’s color coordination and generally clean lines are any indication of a film’s quality, this one ought to be a four or five-star feat.
2. And then they turned around for the requisite “you know I’m at Cannes because I’m dragging my big train up these red stairs” shot. And there was much rejoicing.
3. Except from Emma Watson, who either didn’t shave her armpits or couldn’t raise her arms under the constriction of those tenuous spaghetti straps.
It’s like she’s thinking, Why the hell did I hike my skirt up to my tits? I’m 23, not 83.
5. Earlier in the day she looked similarly nonplussed in this pretty burgundy dress.
Maybe she wishes she remembered to slap on her bling rings/brooches/etc. What’s the point of going to Cannes if you’re not sparkly somewhere at all times? That’s what I always say, anyway.
6. Eva Huang tried to dress down her daytime ballgown (…) with some ugly brown, orange, and yellow beads.
Donnie Yen, left, proved men can experiment with color-blocking and achieve surprisingly okay results.
7. Sami Gayle is definitely setting herself up to be a fashion designer lust object.
That hair! Those cheeks! She’s the edgy version of what fashion always wanted Selena Gomez to be. If Selena represents boring L.A. tacky, Sami represents girly New York edgy.
8. You just know Marc Jacobs and Miuccia Prada are fighting over who will get her for their next campaign.
A teenager with an oversized perfume bottle or set of train tracks between her legs always seems to suit those two’s fancy.
9. Elsewhere in daytime photo call land, we had Meng Li in pajamas.
10. And Tao Zhao in back ruffles.
11. Berenice Bejo borrowed a sailor costume from a cartoon Disney character.
12. Sonam Kapoo only wore embellished shoes so that her feet showed up. Otherwise people might have mistaken her dress for a hovercraft.
13. But who’s that swanning into the frame? Threatening to uproot this the drama of Kapoo’s creepily voluminous skirt?
14. Why, it’s Fan Bing Bing! One of the best red carpet dressers of our time.
No one can escape Fan Bing Bing’s luminosity.
15. Especially Liya Kebede, who Fan Bing Bing encountered and promptly train bombed.
But then again, this is Cannes. Everyone’s bound to get train bombed.
16. Amy Mullins wore what looked like a grandfather’s tube sock – but sparkly.
17. And backless. Because with that body you owe it to the world not to cover up everywhere.
18. Delphine Wespiser and Laury Thilleman are French beauty pageant queens.
Rather than wearing their pageant dresses they regressed and for some reason went with their prom dresses instead. French people, go figure.
19. Animal control burst onto the scene to contain this tiger that creeped onto the carpet.
Once they realized the limp tail blowing in the wind was actually Clementine Celarie’s fur wrap they stepped back and allowed everyone to carry on.
20. Ines de la Fressange looked just about perfect.
Because she’s one of those legendary French woman who finds it impossible to not look effortlessly cool and perfect at all times.
21. But nothing could compare to the impact of Russian television personality Elena Lenina’s fascinator
22. You really have to take it in from multiple angles to get a sense of the thing.
23. Well actually, there is something that can compare to Elena Lenina’s fascinator — and that’s Elena Lenina’s dress.
It looks like she took apart the floor to a Miami nightclub and glued it back together again all over her body.
24. Sonia Rolland got attention with this pattern, which I’d call “deconstructed petrified wood.”
If anyone was bored they could have just stared into this dress and tried to figure out what was going on with it. Are those fish? Etc.
25. Octavia Spencer went with something classically beautiful.
26. And then there was this person.
“Close up of a guest,” reads the caption on the wire.
27. Zhang Ziyi looked fairly spectacular in this printed strapless gown.
28. Frieda Pinto’s panty line-high slit failed to deliver the drama she was probably hoping for.
Let it be said that she’s so beautiful it shouldn’t be allowed. But when you’re in Cannes a slitted column dress just isn’t going to be enough. You need a train or eight layers of tulle or a see-through bustier with nipple tassels if you want to stand out.
29. And to cleanse your eyes of all that red carpet tackiness, let’s take a whiz through the Calvin Klein party!
Nicole Kidman followed up her spectacular Dior moment with another spectacular Calvin number. It was basically the Dior but in black leather.
30. Naomie Harris seized the opportunity to flaunt her under-rib.
As you would, if you were in possession of such under-ribs.
31. Dasha Zhukova didn’t look very happy.
But it can’t have been her outfit, which is cute and unfussy. Maybe she just saw Great Gatsby and wanted the last two and a half hours of her life back?
32. Model-turned-photographer Hanneli Mustaparta looked smashing, as expected.
But you really can’t go wrong with putting a woman of these proportions in a Calvin Klein dress. It’s like messing up a recipe for ants on a log.
33. Rooney Mara dressed — oh yeeees, she did in fact get dressed.
For a moment we all thought she was nude.
34. Paz Vega was all, “Bring it, Ann Romney.”
“How’s this red shift dress for you?”
35. And now that Great Gatsby’s horrible splendor has been unleashed onto the world Carey Mulligan is just going to try and give everyone’s eyes a break for a little while and wear simple black dresses like this.
It’s the least she could do because you know Baz Luhrmann isn’t going to start holding back any time soon.