34 New Rules For Men’s Fashion

The spring men’s collections just hit the runway in London. According to rules set out by these most innovative of clothing designers, all you dudes should stock up on cropped jean jackets and crocheted shorts. posted on

1. In terms of sweaters, nude harem scenes are the new snow scenes.

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Assert your masculinity while wearing a purple cheetah by also wearing naked babes on your chest.

(By Sibling.)

2. Balance out the volume of nearly knee-length shorts with a cropped jean jacket.

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(By Sibling.)

3. Come up with a sharp nickname like “JET BOY” to wear on your back.

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Give people something to remember you by, if your naked lady-print clothes and stylin’ dad socks aren’t enough already.

(By Sibling.)

4. Wrap yarn around a tennis net and wear it as a top.

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(By Sibling.)

5. In fact, instead of wearing clothes, just coat your body in a thick foam of Pepto-Bismol.

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(By Sibling.)

6. Or, if your complexion doesn’t lend itself to pink, try egg whites.

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Turquoise trim turns an otherwise bland ensemble into something that really pops.

(By Sibling.)

7. Instead of a shirt, wear a scarf and sleeves made of dish towels.

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(By Sibling.)

8. Rock full denim ensembles with the patented dweeby gusto of Zack Morris.

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9. Try losing the shirt if you really want to take double man denim to the next level.

10. Show Kouchdashian how hardcore floral looks are really done.

Joel Ryan / AP

With a tie and plastic watch. HELLO.

(By Burberry.)

11. Get a coat that can double as a fireman costume at Halloween.

Joel Ryan / AP

DIY it with some reflective tape and you’re good to go.

(By Burberry.)

12. Practice the ukelele while your hair sets.

Joel Ryan / AP

Being well-dressed is also about being well-rounded (not physically, obviously).

(A model backstage at Burberry.)

13. Instead of sandblasted jeans, try a more flamboyant wash.

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Bleached/shibori dyed/painted — anything that looks like you got it from Pinterest.

(By Oliver Spencer.)

14. Think of your body as an elegant Monet canvas.

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Strappy orthopedic flats nicely finish off any pretty suit.

(By Alexander McQueen.)

15. Roomy knee-length jackets make printed outfits work just fine on fat days.

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(By Alexander McQueen.)

16. Or on hotter days, layer sleeveless shift dresses over matching cigarette pants.

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(By Alexander McQueen.)

17. Ankle boots toughen even the most prim sleeveless suiting.

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(By Alexander McQueen.)

18. Wear pastel suits with all your friends.

Joel Ryan / AP

Then make snide comments about how LAME The Great Gatsby fashion was.

(By Savile Row & St James’s designers.)

19. Dress like you’d play cricket if it didn’t involve being outside with dirt.

Joel Ryan / AP

You’re way too pretty to be near soil in these whites.

(By Savile Row and St. Jame’s designers.)

20. There is no such thing as “too matchy-matchy.”

Jonathan Short / AP

(By Katie Eary.)

21. Really, just trade in all your Billabong for this.

Jonathan Short / AP

(By Katie Eary.)

22. Instead of “Where’s Waldo?” use your clothes as an opportunity to ask, “Where’s the flamingo?”

Jonathan Short / AP

23. Accessorize with a tween’s beach sarong around your neck.

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(By YMC.)

24. Wear cats, but much more subtly than this.

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Make a statement without looking like desktop wallpaper.

(By YMC.)

25. Wear outfits all the women in your life can borrow.

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(By YMC.)

26. Layer tunic tops under your whites.

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If you stain your pants and need to take them off, your junk will still be covered.

(By Spencer Hart.)

27. On days when full floral suits feel like “too much,” try a jacket that resembles a purple aquarium.

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(By Kay Kwok.)

28. Do your hair like Peggy Olsen. Act like you don’t know it’s been done that way.

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(By Kay Kwok.)

29. Dress like you’re going to school on a spaceship.

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(By Kay Kwok.)

30. Try a suit that makes you look like you’re wearing a slinky.

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(By Kay Kwok.)

31. Strapless leather jumpsuits look modest layered over a simple tee.

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(By Kay Kwok.)

32. Dress like a woman in Céline.

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The perfect proportions know no gender.

(By Kay Kwok.)

33. Wear one baggy sleeve at a time.

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Proceed to act like you know how bad you are.

(By Kay Kwok.)

34. And when all else fails, just wear a maxi dress under a blazer.

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It looks good on just about everyone.

(By Spencer Hart.)

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