1. Worst Bondage Glam: Jane Lynch
This is two dresses stuck together — goth princess on the bottom and suburban 50 Shades of Grey theme party up top. If she had picked one angle and just gone with it, she’d have likely wound up in Tina Fey’s consistently inoffensive corner of the best-/worst-dressed lists instead of what ended up being the SAG Awards’ Glee abyss.
2. Most Boring: Lea Michele
This is not a great red-carpet look, but it’s not completely awful either, placing it on the lower end of passable that is worse, to me, than all-out bad outfits that at least reek of character if not fashion. But if you’re going to wear a huge pink prom dress, just go for a full-on LOOK and spray your hair into a crusty bouffant instead of making it look like a bad memory of 2011.
3. Most Perplexing Neckline: Carmen Electra
One of the girls wanted to come out, but the other one just wasn’t quite ready.
4. Safest Choice: Jessica Chastain
This is an Alexander McQueen dress, but it’s McQueen in the way Kate Middleton’s stuff is — you don’t know it’s McQueen until someone tells you because she’s an actress and therefore not “supposed” to look too edgy.
5. Most Improved: Jennifer Lawrence
This is kind of boring and not my favorite piece of Dior Couture ever, but it’s a vast improvement from the torpedo boobs she rocked at the Golden Globes.
Which I still don’t understand.
6. Most Depressive: Claire Danes
She has a reputation for not wanting to talk to anyone who isn’t, like, Ryan Seacrest or a member of her posse, so maybe she just dressed like this to scare everyone from approaching her.
7. Most Inoffensively Pretty: Katrina Bowden
This is exactly the kind of dress that wins over people who like award shows but don’t follow fashion (and I don’t blame them for not following). It’s pretty but completely risk-free — and risk-free red carpets are never fun.
8. Best Use of a Beach-Towel Pattern: Sarah Hyland
I could also see this working as a print for the soles of Gisele’s line of Havaianas flip-flops.
9. Best Not-Trying-Too-Hard Dresses: Amy Poehler
10. And Tina Fey
After their awesome Golden Globes performance, is it possible to fault these two for anything at all? (No.)
11. Best “I’d Just Wear Underwear to This Thing if I Could” Dress: Nicole Kidman
She looks like a naked woman teeming with sparkly caterpillars. I approve.
12. Smartest Hemline: Anne Hathaway
It would be hard for her to GO THERE again in this.
13. Best Dressed: Marion Cotillard
This is Dior Couture, and Marion looks simply perfect in it. But some French women just have it easy like that — toss a stick of Chapstick in the pocket of a ball gown, throw on a diamond necklace, and you’re out the door and looking spectacular.
14. Most Unfortunate Ruffles: Rose Byrne
When I look at this, all I see are Caribbean reef squid.
15. Best Sequins: Helen Hunt
You had your run, tin foil.
16. Best-Dressed Adolescent: Kiernan Shipka
It feels weird to call a 13-year-old best dressed, but she is just such a glamorous peanut of a thing.
17. Worst Waist-Up Dressing: January Jones
Do they serve spare ribs at this thing? Because I can’t quite make out why she wore a dinner napkin as a turtleneck.
18. Weirdest White Dress: Kerry Washington
As my colleague Anna North notes, “It looks like someone attempted to enclose her in a clutch purse.”
19. Worst Print: Julia Stiles
This fabric looks like a Kardashians for Sears bedspread that I want to forget exists.
20. Weirdest Sideboob: Michelle Dockery
I think this woman should just go everywhere wearing her Downton costumes — because her hair always looks that way anyway and her red-carpet dresses are hardly ever better.
21. Best Leg Exposition: Morena Baccarin
She’s got both legs out in a dress that’s sort of pretty. Bravo, Homeland wife lady!
22. Most Disappointing Scroll-Down: Jayma Mays
I wanted this dress to be plain all the way down instead of…ending up like this.
23. Most Pleasing Scroll-Down: Elisabeth Moss
Aside from her costar Kiernan Shipka, she’s, like, the only other actress who wore something short, and I think it’s a smart choice. In terms of importance and people caring, if the Oscars are a big, fabulous evening gala, the SAG Awards are like a middling noon business luncheon.