22 New Fashion Rules For Wedding Dresses

Did you know that everyone wants you to look like Kate Middleton? And that Vera Wang would dress you in black?

1. Peplums are less odious if they come in lace.

JP Yim / Getty Images

Well, maybe?

(Oscar de la Renta.)

2. Just try to dress as close to Kate Middleton on her wedding day as you possibly can.

JP Yim / Getty Images

You’ll find tons of options! Like this Oscar de la Renta.

JP Yim / Getty Images

Or this Oscar de la Renta.

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

Or this Monique Lhuillier number.

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

(Carolina Herrera.)

3. Look angry while carrying a veiled parasol that says, “Thank you for your Love.”

JP Yim / Getty Images

(Reem Acra.)

4. Or “just married” if you’re feeling more traditional.

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(Reem Acra.)

5. Make sure your parasol-veil has extra fabric in the back in case your dress happens to be see-through.

JP Yim / Getty Images

No one wants to show their underwear on their wedding day.

(Reem Acra.)

6. If you don’t want a traditional veil and are also weirdly not interested in a veil attached to an umbrella, be sure to wear something interesting on your head.

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Like this mini veil fascinator thing by Oscar de la Renta.

Seth Wenig / AP

Or this cluster of wedding pick-up sticks by Angel Sanchez.

7. Skip nail art and wear elegant sheer gloves.

Bebeto Matthews / AP

Seriously, this is something I can get behind. DOWN WITH NAIL ART.

(Oscar de la Renta.)

8. If you don’t want white, get a dress that’s the color of a used coffee filter.

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

Courtesy of Monique Lhuillier.

9. Or just try blush pink.

JP Yim / Getty Images

Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing this to dinner tonight, just you wait and see.

(Oscar de la Renta.)

10. It’s OK to look a little bit naked.

JP Yim / Getty Images

This Reem Acra dress is also short.

JP Yim / Getty Images
JP Yim / Getty Images

If you want a slit this high, you’ll probably want a dress with leg holes. Never say never.

(Reem Acra.)

11. Wear floral appliqués that look a little like mold clusters.

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

(Temperley.)

12. Frame your legs in crunchy fabric.

Randy Brooke / Getty Images

It’s like wearing a seashell upside down on your hips.

(Marchesa.)

13. Color-block your boobs.

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

Only Vera Wang can get away with black for bridal — because everyone will go apeshit over whatever she puts in stores no matter what the runway stuff looks like.

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

(Vera Wang.)

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

(Vera Wang.)

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

(Vera Wang.)

14. Alternatively, lace-block your bust, if that feels more you.

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

Also Vera Wang.

15. You can also just make your body look like a paved road.

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

With one huge black stripe down your front.

(Vera Wang.)

16. Or look like you’re wearing a harness.

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

Nothing says holy matrimony like a harness, but who really needs the leather straps? That’s where this dress comes in.

(Vera Wang.)

17. Wear a lot of extra fabric on your hips.

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

If only because it will allow these designers to charge you more.

(Vera Wang.)

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

(Monique Lhuillier.)

Seth Wenig / AP

(Angel Sanchez.)

18. Wear a cape. Because capes are always fun.

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

(Monique Lhuillier.)

19. Actually, don’t wear anything fussy at all and just opt for a shift and matching coat that makes you look like a mom at church.

Fernanda Calfat / Getty Images

(Monique Lhuillier.)

20. Or wear this because it’s kind of cool and you could maybe see Tilda Swinton in it.

Seth Wenig / AP

(Angel Sanchez.)

21. You know, come to think of it, just wear a tank dress, because after all that, don’t you just want to wear something astoundingly plain??

JP Yim / Getty Images

(Oscar de la Renta.)

22. WHATEVER you wear, just make sure you blur out the flower girls in the photos so nothing takes away from the star attraction.

Bebeto Matthews / AP

Which is you, obviously.

(Oscar de la Renta.)

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