1. People will show up to places in crop tops and no tights in 30-degree weather.
You can pretty much count on comfort to be out of style every season.
2. Alexa Chung will DJ a party held in a store.
As will the Richards sisters and a random model or two.
(Pictured: Alexa DJing at the Marni fragrance launch.)
3. Spiced nuts will be easily confused with cat food.
4. People will party after every single little thing.
There are after-parties for fashion shows, the release of new perfumes, new liquors, old liquors, new handbag lines, jewelry lines… Someone’s going to go to the bathroom one day and have an after-party for that, of this I’m certain.
5. Someone will show up somewhere wearing jeans and a turtleneck and feel like a homeless person.
Because everyone around them will be wearing elaborate, intimidating items of Fashion, like these people at the Marni fragrance launch.
6. Anna Wintour will be photographed running out of a show like a bomb is about to go off.
This is how she beats the crowd out of the venue. Every season, new people notice it and freak out like it’s the first coming of colored fur.
7. Kanye West will show up to the most random things.
Like the Tory Burch and J. Crew shows — places where his waxed denim, leather kilts, and corset-clad girlfriend don’t fit in at all.
8. People will brag about the wildly exclusive shows they got invited to.
Often they’ll just say, “Oh I have Alexander Wang later, I can’t meet then” — you know, try to be casual about it.
9. No one will be able to recognize “celebrities” sitting in a front row.
But a million photographers will take their pictures, thereby suggesting they’re Somebodies.
10. André Leon Talley will show up somewhere and out-fabulous everyone.
Here he is in Versailles at a Chanel show. I hope he wears this very outfit in oxblood to Oscar de la Renta.
11. People will wear fur and everyone will think it’s cool instead of feeling morally offended.
Look for Bryanboy wearing his Adrienne Landau fur camera strap or bow tie or…I think those are sleeves?
12. People will also wear that fur in the weirdest places.
13. Publicists will mail editors “fashion week survival kits.”
They often include Band-Aids, Dr. Scholl’s gel inserts, and a fiber bar — maybe some pistachios if you’re lucky. Then again you might get a bunch of stuff that doesn’t look like anything at all (pictured). Anyway, if fashion week becomes something akin to a war that really must be survived, this kit won’t really save you.
14. Anna Dello Russo will wear funny hats.
Also a distinct possibility, even though it is February: cutout dresses.
16. The weather will do something that is definitely not “outfit friendly.”
This New York Fashion Week, it might snow as much as 38 inches over the weekend.
17. But no matter what happens with the weather — rain, sleet, tsunami, etc. — Anna Wintour will show up everywhere on time, bone-dry.
18. Random audience members will wear sunglasses inside for no reason.
Somehow if you’re Rachel Zoe or Anna Wintour (or a cat, obviously), wearing shades indoors at a show is acceptable, but if you’re fourth row and not a Big Deal, everyone feels embarrassed for you.
19. People will get really, really, REALLY stressed out, like they’re about to give birth or something.
Everyone seems to forget that all we’re doing is going to a bunch of fashion shows, not a never-ending slew of life-or-death situations.
20. It will be impossible to find a full-size dessert.
Fashion people only serve calories in miniature. It’s an odious fad.
21. Your Instagram feed will be flooded with fashion-blogger selfies.
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