1. Wear white pantsuits that make you look like you’ve been whipped to stiff peaks.
If you’re not Mary J. Blige and you’re wearing a white pantsuit you have to be wary of looking like you’re trying to be Mary J. Blige. With the excess fabric draping here, Kim avoids looking like a Mary knockoff WHILE distinguishing herself from her boyfriend’s all-white (see below).
2. Don’t be afraid to let your man shine white like a diamond.
And wear all-black. It’s not like people won’t notice you, but it never hurts to act like you don’t care if they don’t by wearing clothes that make you fade into the surroundings, like an octopus on the sea bottom. No matter what, uncomfortable shoes are a must.
3. Channel the 2000s in Grecian-style, spaghetti strap wrap dresses.
The important thing is to not remind people of eras prior to your inexplicable rise to mega fame, no matter how much everyone loves the ’90s right now.
4. Wear fitted leather whenever possible.
Nothing will quite prepare your growing fetus for the badass life it’s expected to lead — and the black leather diapers it’s expected to wear — like a mom who wears enough tight leather to cause people to wonder if it’s fused with her skin.
5. Instead of tights, wear leather leggings.
This saves you the bother of getting elaborately feathered skirts lengthened. What expecting working mom has time for THAT?
6. Comfort should never be a priority, really.
Multi-textured outfits should ALWAYS be a priority, however.
7. Assert your MILF-ness by wearing see-through blouses in the middle of winter — in Canada.
This is what Kim wore on January 4 in Calgary, just days after announcing her and Kanye’s future spawn. Note how the trendy see-through blouse and gladiator stilettos separate her look from your average lawyer’s daywear.
8. Hide your growing bump under the most elaborate trousers you can find.
Like peplum green leopard-print skinnies. Or just wrap an oversized scrunchie around your midsection in case the store runs out of these (…).
9. Wear plastic stiletto shoes with the most unforgiving pencil skirt you can find.
Nothing taxes a stylist’s brain like a white outfit that’s so tight you can’t even fit a slip underneath. Well, aside from aforementioned peplum “pants,” one presumes.
I’m afraid those red marks on her ankles are welts from her gladiator shoe-booties. This woman is a warrior of clothes, you can say that much.
10. Indulge in a caftan every so often.
But make sure people know you’re edgy by wearing chest cut-outs. Call up Rachel Zoe after the pictures come out and make sure you did the outfit right.
11. Before you let yourself get too comfortable, slither into a skintight black tank dress with some eye-catching boobdazzling.
This is what they call “night to day dressing.”
12. Shun opaque fabrics in favor of fishing net with strategically placed semi-opaque cutouts.
Think of this dress as “all-over pasties.”
13. Indulge in loose, leather-trimmed pants at airports only.
But your mundane, everyperson airport activities must also be done in the most uncomfortable, airport-unfriendly shoes.
14. Dress up this fancy to shop.
Obviously you will be frequenting Paris’s Balenciaga boutique instead of A Pea in the Pod.
15. Experiment with sideboob cut-outs.
Of course you’ll need to find an impeccable tailor that can build breast support into all your clothes so you won’t have to worry about normal-person underwear, like bras.
16. Jazz up an otherwise bland outfit with statement stilettos.
You know, the kind of puzzling shoes that show that you’re taking your boyfriend’s fashion hobby seriously. That means never looking like your name is all over a line of Sears clothing.
17. Dress for the weather, but only on certain parts of your body.
When going out in January in Paris like Kim here, wear fur on your wrists, but leave your feet exposed to the elements. And again: tight leather wherever possible, please.
18. Create the illusion of comfort by wrapping a large plaid shirt around your waist.
19. Vanquish that illusion as soon as people see what your shoes look like in broad daylight.
20. As your due date nears, try wearing your favorite leggings under a glamorous sparkly mourning robe.
Now that she’s crossing over into film, the symbolism may be appropriate.
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