19 New Rules For Women's Fashion

    The twice yearly couture runway shows in Paris comprise the fanciest, most expensive, best-made clothes in the world. To qualify as couture, pieces must be handmade and certified couture by an overseeing body in France. These clothes — which commonly come with five-figure price tags — represent the pinnacle of fashion. Let's see what we can learn from the latest collections.

    1. Tops should come with flaps for hiding squirrels.

    2. And belts so you have something to hang your water bottle and sunglasses from.

    3. Wool tops should double as baby slings for Blue Ivy.

    4. In terms of silhouettes, shoulders should be stuffed.

    5. Evening wear should have wings.

    6. Thighs should recall a sheared alpaca.

    7. Skirts are the new pets.

    8. Shoes should be made of Silly Bandz.

    9. Shoes should also have enough straps to conceal blisters, oozing puss, and other injuries caused by said shoes.

    10. In fact, shoes should hurt to look at.

    11. Pieces of fabric that are barely held together by the friction created by tightness are the new dresses.

    12. Coats should double as hole-punch testers.

    13. Painful corsets should be attached to pleasant-feeling skirts.

    14. M.I.A. looks better in Versace than just about anyone.

    15. Fan Bing Bing is a close second.

    16. Dresses should be nude netting that shimmers.

    17. Put a bird on it.

    18. If you can't decide between slacks or a dress, just wear both.

    19. Evening clothes should look like capes.