19 New Rules For Women’s Fashion

The twice yearly couture runway shows in Paris comprise the fanciest, most expensive, best-made clothes in the world. To qualify as couture, pieces must be handmade and certified couture by an overseeing body in France. These clothes — which commonly come with five-figure price tags — represent the pinnacle of fashion. Let’s see what we can learn from the latest collections. posted on

1. Tops should come with flaps for hiding squirrels.

Francois Mori / AP

Look by Bouchra Jarrar.

2. And belts so you have something to hang your water bottle and sunglasses from.

MARTIN BUREAU / Getty Images

Bouchra Jarrar.

3. Wool tops should double as baby slings for Blue Ivy.

MARTIN BUREAU / Getty Images

Bouchra Jarrar.

4. In terms of silhouettes, shoulders should be stuffed.

PIERRE VERDY / Getty Images

You’re going for the shape of a Russian doll, basically.

Look by Christophe Josse.

5. Evening wear should have wings.

PIERRE VERDY / Getty Images

For when the person you’re making polite conversation with becomes unbearable — you can just fly away.

Dress by Christophe Josse.

6. Thighs should recall a sheared alpaca.

PIERRE VERDY / Getty Images

But just the thighs — we want that breast plate out, ladies! (NOTE: that’s breast plate, not breasts.)

Look by Christophe Josse.

7. Skirts are the new pets.

GONZALO FUENTES / Reuters

That’ll be a new BuzzFeed section one day — “Politics” “Sports” “Tech” “Animals Skirts”

Look by Christophe Josse.

8. Shoes should be made of Silly Bandz.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

Versace.

9. Shoes should also have enough straps to conceal blisters, oozing puss, and other injuries caused by said shoes.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

BECAUSE THEY ARE TORTURE CHAMBERS.

Versace.

10. In fact, shoes should hurt to look at.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

From all angles.

Versace.

11. Pieces of fabric that are barely held together by the friction created by tightness are the new dresses.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

Unless this is a bathing suit.

Versace.

12. Coats should double as hole-punch testers.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

They do not need to keep the wearer warm or conceal flesh or do those other things most plebeian coats do.

Versace.

13. Painful corsets should be attached to pleasant-feeling skirts.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

The waist hurts just looking at this but the legs are envious.

Versace.

14. M.I.A. looks better in Versace than just about anyone.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

Here she is attending the couture show. I think the only people who MIGHT look better in it than her are the models they hired for the men’s show.

15. Fan Bing Bing is a close second.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

But she practically wins any front row she sits on. She’s the best.

16. Dresses should be nude netting that shimmers.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

I guess also, bras are for losers?

Versace

17. Put a bird on it.

BENOIT TESSIER / Reuters

Portlandia’s influence is transcontinental, I see.

Versace.

18. If you can’t decide between slacks or a dress, just wear both.

This is where designers get confusing: Versace would have us wearing no underwear — or really, proper clothes for that matter — and Dior wants us to support our breasts and wear extra pants.

Dior

19. Evening clothes should look like capes.

I love this fuchsia super hero thing. If someone at work flusters you, you can just angrily flap your cape and storm off.

Dior.

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