19 New Rules For Women’s Fashion

The twice yearly couture runway shows in Paris comprise the fanciest, most expensive, best-made clothes in the world. To qualify as couture, pieces must be handmade and certified couture by an overseeing body in France. These clothes — which commonly come with five-figure price tags — represent the pinnacle of fashion. Let’s see what we can learn from the latest collections.

1. Tops should come with flaps for hiding squirrels.

Francois Mori / AP

Look by Bouchra Jarrar.

ID: 405803

2. And belts so you have something to hang your water bottle and sunglasses from.

MARTIN BUREAU / Getty Images

Bouchra Jarrar.

ID: 405805

3. Wool tops should double as baby slings for Blue Ivy.

MARTIN BUREAU / Getty Images

Bouchra Jarrar.

ID: 405809

4. In terms of silhouettes, shoulders should be stuffed.

PIERRE VERDY / Getty Images

You’re going for the shape of a Russian doll, basically.

Look by Christophe Josse.

ID: 405813

5. Evening wear should have wings.

PIERRE VERDY / Getty Images

For when the person you’re making polite conversation with becomes unbearable — you can just fly away.

Dress by Christophe Josse.

ID: 405817

6. Thighs should recall a sheared alpaca.

PIERRE VERDY / Getty Images

But just the thighs — we want that breast plate out, ladies! (NOTE: that’s breast plate, not breasts.)

Look by Christophe Josse.

ID: 405819

7. Skirts are the new pets.


That’ll be a new BuzzFeed section one day — “Politics” “Sports” “Tech” “Animals Skirts”

Look by Christophe Josse.

ID: 405821

8. Shoes should be made of Silly Bandz.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images


ID: 405822

9. Shoes should also have enough straps to conceal blisters, oozing puss, and other injuries caused by said shoes.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images



ID: 405825

10. In fact, shoes should hurt to look at.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

From all angles.


ID: 405831

11. Pieces of fabric that are barely held together by the friction created by tightness are the new dresses.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

Unless this is a bathing suit.


ID: 405835

12. Coats should double as hole-punch testers.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

They do not need to keep the wearer warm or conceal flesh or do those other things most plebeian coats do.


ID: 405836

13. Painful corsets should be attached to pleasant-feeling skirts.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

The waist hurts just looking at this but the legs are envious.


ID: 405837

14. M.I.A. looks better in Versace than just about anyone.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

Here she is attending the couture show. I think the only people who MIGHT look better in it than her are the models they hired for the men’s show.

ID: 405840

15. Fan Bing Bing is a close second.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

But she practically wins any front row she sits on. She’s the best.

ID: 405842

16. Dresses should be nude netting that shimmers.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

I guess also, bras are for losers?


ID: 405845

17. Put a bird on it.


Portlandia’s influence is transcontinental, I see.


ID: 405847

18. If you can’t decide between slacks or a dress, just wear both.

This is where designers get confusing: Versace would have us wearing no underwear — or really, proper clothes for that matter — and Dior wants us to support our breasts and wear extra pants.


ID: 405878

19. Evening clothes should look like capes.

I love this fuchsia super hero thing. If someone at work flusters you, you can just angrily flap your cape and storm off.


ID: 405880

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