19 New Rules For Women’s Fashion

The twice yearly couture runway shows in Paris comprise the fanciest, most expensive, best-made clothes in the world. To qualify as couture, pieces must be handmade and certified couture by an overseeing body in France.

1. Tops should come with flaps for hiding squirrels.

Look by Bouchra Jarrar.

Image by Francois Mori / AP

2. And belts so you have something to hang your water bottle and sunglasses from.

Bouchra Jarrar.

Image by MARTIN BUREAU / Getty Images

3. Wool tops should double as baby slings for Blue Ivy.

Bouchra Jarrar.

Image by MARTIN BUREAU / Getty Images

4. In terms of silhouettes, shoulders should be stuffed.

You’re going for the shape of a Russian doll, basically.

Look by Christophe Josse.

Image by PIERRE VERDY / Getty Images

5. Evening wear should have wings.

For when the person you’re making polite conversation with becomes unbearable — you can just fly away.

Dress by Christophe Josse.

Image by PIERRE VERDY / Getty Images

6. Thighs should recall a sheared alpaca.

But just the thighs — we want that breast plate out, ladies! (NOTE: that’s breast plate, not breasts.)

Look by Christophe Josse.

Image by PIERRE VERDY / Getty Images

7. Skirts are the new pets.

That’ll be a new BuzzFeed section one day — “Politics” “Sports” “Tech” “Animals Skirts”

Look by Christophe Josse.

Image by GONZALO FUENTES / Reuters

8. Shoes should be made of Silly Bandz.

Versace.

Image by Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

9. Shoes should also have enough straps to conceal blisters, oozing puss, and other injuries caused by said shoes.

BECAUSE THEY ARE TORTURE CHAMBERS.

Versace.

Image by Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

10. In fact, shoes should hurt to look at.

From all angles.

Versace.

Image by Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

11. Pieces of fabric that are barely held together by the friction created by tightness are the new dresses.

Unless this is a bathing suit.

Versace.

Image by Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

12. Coats should double as hole-punch testers.

They do not need to keep the wearer warm or conceal flesh or do those other things most plebeian coats do.

Versace.

Image by Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

13. Painful corsets should be attached to pleasant-feeling skirts.

The waist hurts just looking at this but the legs are envious.

Versace.

Image by Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

14. M.I.A. looks better in Versace than just about anyone.

Here she is attending the couture show. I think the only people who MIGHT look better in it than her are the models they hired for the men’s show.

Image by Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

15. Fan Bing Bing is a close second.

But she practically wins any front row she sits on. She’s the best.

Image by Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

16. Dresses should be nude netting that shimmers.

I guess also, bras are for losers?

Versace

Image by Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

17. Put a bird on it.

Portlandia’s influence is transcontinental, I see.

Versace.

Image by BENOIT TESSIER / Reuters

18. If you can’t decide between slacks or a dress, just wear both.

This is where designers get confusing: Versace would have us wearing no underwear — or really, proper clothes for that matter — and Dior wants us to support our breasts and wear extra pants.

Dior

19. Evening clothes should look like capes.

I love this fuchsia super hero thing. If someone at work flusters you, you can just angrily flap your cape and storm off.

Dior.