11 Trends That Died At Coachella

At this year’s festival, why not update your hippie crochet and wedgie-inducing jorts. There is more to festival dressing than suede fringe, I promise.

This guy may be the embodiment of the worst of Coachella — the unnecessary accessories and the lack of actual clothing are the hallmarks of the annual music festival, where many people don’t seem worried in the least about looking like they’re on a lot of drugs. Look, this spirit shan’t depart Coachella or any other summer music festival any time soon, but there are ways to liven up some of the festival circuit’s most tired — and tiring — trends. Here’s a handy guide to updating your summer festival wardrobe so that you don’t end up as that person who showed up wearing ten dead trends at once. This isn’t fashion week, after all!

1. See-through miniskirts.

Arkasha Stevenson/Los Angeles Times / MCT

Even if yo’ure an exhibitionist you’re not going to be happy when you sit on the grass and stand up with grass indentations all over your butt.

She might just be wearing three belts. Who can say!

Instead try: midi skirts.

I’m not some fool who is going to suggest you rid yourself of tie dye and body con at festivals this summer! That will never happen. But anyway, you can show off what the gym has done for you in this on-trend tie dye thing from ASOS ($46.55).

2. Trying to look like Criss Angel.

Arkasha Stevenson/Los Angeles Times / MCT

Vegas goth isn’t even a good look when you’re actually in Vegas, really.

Instead try: one necklace.

Or two if you really can’t help yourself. You also might want to try going for something that won’t knock people unconscious if you dance hard and your jewelry starts flying around and hitting people in the face. This one is $18 from Nasty Gal.

3. Over-accessorizing, just generally.

Instead try: wearing just one completely ridiculous thing at a time.

This rule holds for men and women. If you want to be ironic, just go for a tee like this with the framed cats all over it. $32 at Urban Outfitters.

4. Mixed aztec prints.

Arkasha Stevenson/Los Angeles Times / MCT

Are you doubling as carpet at a homestead in Sedona? No? Then let’s upgrade the aztec, ladies.

Instead try: graffiti prints.

Still punchy, yet fresh. This dress is $64 at Topshop.

Or: mixing florals and stripes.

This is $68 on Topshop, but you can also try pairing your existing floral stuff with your existing striped stuff.

5. Wearing bathing suit bottoms instead of actual clothes.

Joe Scarnici / Getty Images

Instead try: distressed boyfriend jeans.

Stay cool while you prance and dance in these well-ventilated pants (pants! fathom that) from Nasty Gal. Your’s for $90.

6. Face paint that looks like cocaine.

Perhaps not the best look for a place where everyone just assumes that everyone else is on drugs.

Instead try: statement eyeliner.

The waterproof stuff is going to be your friend. Every eyeliner trick you’ll ever need to pull off this look is here.

7. Feathers as hair.

A hair feather at Coachella is like a bachelor party at a strip club: is your creativity really that limited?

Instead try: this headband.

Music festivals are for the kinds of things you can’t wear anywhere but music festivals. Like this silly yet cute $12 headband. If you’re for some reason tired of cat tees, you can incorporate cats into your wardrobe this way.

8. Jorts shaped like diapers.

Christopher Polk / Getty Images

Aesthetics aside, how is are these even comfortable for a full, sweaty day of dancing and reveling? Yes, your legs can feel the breeze, but then there’s the wedgies…

Michael Buckner / Getty Images

The digging in at the inner thigh flesh…

Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

Like, how are you going to properly get down if you’re shorts are constantly digging into your orifices? Your dance moves will end up ruined by your need to constantly adjust your bottoms.

Instead try: longer shorts!

It really is just that simple. This $68 style from Anthropologie looks comfy and modern! If you work in a really casual office you might be able to get away with these 9 to 5.

9. Floral head wreaths.

Karl Walter / Getty Images

Are you a flower girl at a wedding?

Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

Just simply a DIY headgear fiend? No and no? You are therefore ready to evolve that with which you decorate your head.

Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

Instead try: a turband.

Admit it: you secretly want this and need an excuse to order it. Music festivals are one of the few places where awkward yet cool things like this work perfectly. Bonus: it doubles as a sweatband. $26 at Nasty Gal.

10. Ironic mancessories.

Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

Everything from “Native American headdresses” that look like they came from Party City.

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To landlines.

John Sciulli / Getty Images

To legitimately terrifying hairy animal masks.

Instead try: ironic pineapple short shorts.

We’re going to get the crazies in neon Speedos anyway so why even try to hide those man gams? These are $35.90 at Zara.

11. American flag anything.

Mark Davis / Getty Images

About as overexposed at music festivals as the Kardashians at this point.

Instead try: this “pirate queen” tank.

Pirate flags are at least a little bit novel. This truly exceptional find comes courtesy of my new favorite website, PirateMod.com.

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