10 Ways To Get Into New York's "Hottest" Nightclub

Allure reports from the front lines of 1 Oak: "If you have to ask where it is, you probably shouldn't be there."

The April issue of Allure contains a hard-hitting report about what it's like getting into - and being inside of - New York nightclub 1 Oak.

The club opened in late 2007, yet is just hot on Allure's radar now, in the year 2013. The writer calls it, "the apex of New York City nightlife."

So, what does it take to get in? Some choice excerpts from the article explain.

1. Aspiring 1 Oak entrants should, as this caption explains, "reveal the body."

"At 1 Oak, membership comes in the form of an incredibly short dress and high heels, lots of eye shadow, and hair — blonde, brunette, straight, wavy, whatever — that is long and very much on display," Allure reports. "Whether you love it, hate it, dismiss it, or aspire to it, this is the finely honed look of 1 Oak."

2. But keep your boobs somewhat away.

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"'1 Oak is definitely a legs club, not a boobs club,' says Sam, an attractive 30-year-old pastry chef who goes to 1 Oak on special occasions. 'Too much cleavage wouldn't work.'"

3. If you're going to fall because you can't walk in your shoes, don't do it in view of the doormen.

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"A group of women make their way down the sidewalk, giggling that nervous giggle of insecurity mixed with anticipation... it's going to be a good night — they're feeling it. Suddenly, one in the group stumbles. The five-inch heel of her Christian Louboutin platform stiletto catches on a divot in the sidewalk. Bam! She goes down. Her friends rush to her side, as giddiness turns to panic. She stands up, wobbly, wiping the dirt off her knees. 'Fuck!' A look of terror flashes across her face. 'Did the doorman see me?! Do you think he saw?! He's never going to let me in! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck these shoes!'

"...Luckily for our protagonists, no one saw the fall. They make their way to the box — nod, nod, nod, nod — and they're in."

4. Avoid eye contact.

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"Careful not to make eye contact [after being let in], they teeter gingerly onto the red carpet. Mission accomplished. In one instant, they're affirmed: They're beautiful and sexy and chosen. They walk up to the entrance, the bouncer pulls open the heavy wooden door — whoosh — and this is it: their runway moment. With the crowd watching, wondering what currency of importance they bear, the women walk into the blackness."

5. Wear too much makeup.

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"'You really have to play up the makeup in this light,' says Sam, the pastry chef. 'Otherwise, it's a total waste — you won't see it. You need to bring out the drama."

6. Be prepared to revel in the fact that you have only been admitted to the club to make the wealthy old men in attendance feel good about themselves.

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"The hours you spent styling your hair, smudging your eye makeup, trying on dress after dress — it was all worth it. You made it to Oz, and the world goes from black-and-white to Technicolor," Allure asserts, before explaining: "Just to be clear: You're pretty low on the food chain. 'Decorations,' 'kindling,' 'buffers,' — these are the terms for pretty girls who make the rich table clients feel as if they're not alone, like some losers in the club."

7. Diet before entry.

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"[A]ll the beautiful people don't just happen by, and this is where promoters come in. [...] They're paid for the women they bring in, and rates may vary, depending on the woman and the club. 'The girls I bring to 1 Oak have to be tall and skinny,' said one groggy promoter."

8. Act like disinterested husks of human beings — like the waitresses.

"The waitresses are the Platonic ideal of 1 Oak. They have the look that women who come here are striving for, consciously or not. They long, shiny hair, toned bodies, short dresses, thigh-high boots, and sexy, smudgy makeup — and the apathy. Leila Tonuzi, a waitress with long, flowing, shampoo-ad brown hair, exotic eyes, and bronze skin, has it nailed. When she brings out the sparklers — because yes, for the right $1,000 bottle of champagne, you get sparklers — she walks through the crowd as disinterested as a model on a runway."

9. Dance with your hands in the air.

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"...the women all strike the same pose: arms above their heads, wrists intertwined, undulating like upright snakes. 'It makes you look skinnier!' one of them shouts over Rihanna's 'We Found Love.'"

10. Just be really super hot. Okay?

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"'[I]t's good for business when you see beautiful women lined up outside,' according to one club employee who asked not to be identified."

"It's why people come here."

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"The guys who come here expect to see beautiful women."

And, thanks to this hard-hitting report in women's magazine Allure, you now know that 1 Oak is all about their enjoyment, your objectification.