How To Create The Perfect ’90s Website

Do you still remember your Angelfire password?

1. Choose your host.

We don’t need to pay for space! That’s why we have GeoCities, Angelfire, Tripod, and AOL Hometown. The more ads, the better. And think of a really good username that everyone will remember, like “XoXoSoccerGurl97XoXo.”

2. Pick your website’s topic.

Even better if it’s a fan page for a movie, band, or TV show. Or just make it all about yourself and the 101 things no one else cares about, like your fear of clowns and love of Jenny McCarthy.

3. Now comes the fun part… the background!

Make sure it’s really colorful, loud, and not at all seamless.

4. Pick your favorite font and color.

Make sure it’s really difficult to read against the tiled background. Preferably, it should be Comic Sans MS with aLtErNaTiNg CaPs, plenty of exclamation marks, and random underlining and italicization.

5. Let’s add some pictures!

GIFs can only be 256 colors, but who cares if there are speckles all over the photo? Backstreet Boys still rule!

Pay no mind to stretching or JPEG compression. We’re building a kewl website!

6. If you’re a girl, don’t forget the “dollz.”

Make sure there’s one for each of your friends. The more dollz you have, the more popular you must be!

If you’re a guy, don’t forget the flames.

Nothing says “I’m a badass” like decorating your site with animated fire GIFs.

7. Make sure your text moves.

Whether it scrolls or appears across the screen like a typerwriter, it makes your website 100% more awesome.

8. Break everything up with sparkly or colorful dividers.

9. Let’s add some music!

MIDIs were so much better than MP3s when it came to musical accompaniment.

10. Join a web ring.

How else are other people with awesome websites going to find you?

11. Don’t forget to show off your web awards!

The award is usually meaningless to other people visiting your website, but you don’t care. Someone else recognized your awesomeness!

12. Add a website counter and guest book.

Refresh your site every few minutes to make visitors think your website is soooooo popular (just in case the dollz , flaming GIFs, and web awards didn’t convince them already). No one signs your guest book because it’s always broken.

13. Make sure everyone knows you’re still under construction.

Your website is just as important as a big hole in the road! If your page of poems still isn’t up, let your readers know with a construction cone image. Now they can sleep at night.

14. Update your website for a few weeks, then forget about it for the next 15 years.

Be reminded about said website when your date says he Googled you and found your Backstreet Boys fan page from 1998.

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