1. Assigned Seating
It’s always you and the only three married couples who brought their insane kids.
2. If you’re single, NOT being given “And Guest”
At least give single friends the chance to find a sure thing hook up buddy before the wedding. Don’t force them to search drunkenly for that end of the night score that will almost certainly be worse than the hangover.
3. Being invited to the bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, AND wedding
You will end up spending upwards of $1,000 on gifts, outfits, and lodging.
4. Gift registries
Helpful in theory, except that most of your friends will wait till the week before to get something off of it, and all that will be left is the $8 spatula, or the $349 dutch oven.
5. Being asked to be in the wedding party
You feel like you can’t say no, and the result is a never-ending list of crap. The next several months will be filled with ridiculously expensive, time-consuming nonsense. Bridal bingo is not worth 3 phone calls, ya’ll.
6. NOT being invited to the wedding of someone you thought was your good friend.
And then being forced to go through their happy wedding pictures on Facebook with all your friends who WERE invited.
8. “Romantic” Wedding Invitations
My eyes! I’m blind!
9. Weddings in remote/hard to find places.
When you’ve driven 2 hours from the airport and were told by the chicken farmer that you make a right after the brownish tree, you’re going to miss the ceremony.
10. Bridesmaid dresses.
Whether you have to wear one or just look at one, they suck. They’re never flattering, and no, the 100-way twisty strap dress doesn’t make you look distinctive, just like you’re not wearing a bra.
11. Cash Bar.
If you’re making us pay an arm and a leg to get pretty and come all the way out to Deliverance, West Virginia, you have no right to also ask us to pay for the only thing that will take the pain away.
12. Extra long religious ceremonies.
We understand your religious beliefs and rituals are important, but please remember this is a wedding ceremony, not a 5 act Shakespearean play. Kthnx.
13. Too Many Speeches.
Immediate Family. Maid of Honor. Best Man. This is not open mic night at the Funny Bone. Or if it is, there better be a free two drink minimum.
14. The dreaded drunk dad speech.
Like watching a car crash that goes on forever in slow motion, these are truly painful. Especially when it’s the father of the bride talking about how hot his daughter is. True Story.
15. Clinking glasses to make the bride and groom kiss.
It’s annoying, and becomes old reaaaaal quick. Plus you know, they’re not performing monkeys as much as we’d like them to be.
16. Drunk bride
This happens far too often, and like dogs humping, you can’t not look at it in awe and disgust. True, it is her day, but you’d hope she wouldn’t want to french kiss the trumpet player and fall asleep on the buffet table when so many pictures are being taken.
17. Bride and groom cutting the cake
While it can be cute on occasion, usually turns awkward real fast. More often then not, no one was taught how to cut a tiered cake, and the result is along the lines of stabbing it in different places until they find a loose chunk. Or the cake dies, whichever comes first.
18. Reception food
Could be awesome, could be terrible, but like bungie jumping, you won’t know until you try it. And get food poisoning.
19. Bad music.
Bad music at a wedding is just the last nail in the coffin. Whether it’s a DJ or a full band, if all we’re hearing is Top 40 with Beatles snuck in every other song, then we have a problem. I hate to make judgements, but boring music makes a statement. And it’s a bad one.