10. Sex Bob-omb “Garbage Truck”
Such a sweet tune from Scott Pilgrim’s band. Realistically this would be a huge indie hit in real life. #3 on the charts at least. One of those tracks that you totally heard before everyone else did, but now that they’re big you have to deal with all the crazy fangirls. They’re “indie” even though they get played on all the Top 40 radio stations and they’re in that one commercial.
9. Robin Daggers “PS I Love You”
If Alanis Morissette were still around, this would be her new single. #4 on the alternative charts at least. Robin Daggers appeals to our tortured souls so much more than Robin Sparkles ever did.
8. Infant Sorrow “Inside of You”
Everybody loves a love ballad from a rocker. Plus bonus black and white music video! This would go straight to #1 as the band’s first single even though they have much better songs. I’d like to see Ed Sheeran sing a version of this.
7. Mouse Rat “Lil Sebastian (500 Candles in the Wind)”
Proving the ballads from rock outfits go straight to #1 rule right here. We miss you Lil Sebastian!
6. Hep Alien “Believe It Or Not”
Re-imagining a classic the same way Hendrix re-imagined the national anthem, this is a Top 10 single for sure. Sadly though, the band is most likely a one hit wonder supergroup.
5. The Brady Bunch “Keep On Moving”
Please note this is the movie version of The Brady Bunch. The TV version took themselves way too seriously. If you ask me, it was their downfall. Realistically this would only make the Top 20 at most. And the modern Brady Bunch would be like the Pussycat Dolls - constantly replacing members with younger ones and hoping you don’t notice.
4. The Blues Brothers “Stand By Your Man”
Probably only hitting #1 on the Blues charts, you can’t deny the awesomeness of The Blues Brothers. Maybe if they added a little Mumford and Sons vibe, they’d have a wider appeal.
3. School of Rock “School of Rock”
The real life story: Jack Black retires from acting to teach at an underprivileged school. Turns the kids into a band and raises money for their education with this #1 hit. Kids realistically grow up to work in menial jobs because they spent all their school time learning to play back-up to Jack Black and not to, y’know, read or something.
2. The Be Sharps “Baby On Board”
“Baby on Board” would be in the top 10 for just one week but it would stay in the charts for over a year. Perfect harmonies for the whole family to enjoy.
1. The Wonders (previously, The Oneders) “That Thing You Do”
Maybe not a #1 hit in 2013, but in 1964 this chart buster would last 15 weeks at the top spot. Forty years later, your parents would play it for you and you’d pretend to hate it, then play it on repeat whenever they left the house.
Best band name: Dr Funke’s 100% natural good time family band solution
Most likely to be a real band: Drive Shaft
Band that actually is a real band: The Worthless Peons/Ted’s Band From Scrubs (Real name: The Blanks)
Hottest lead singer: Mystik Spiral
Best cover band: Barry Jive and the Uptown Five (yes, Jack Black made it on this list twice. Let’s not talk about it).