1. Taking promo photos for Breaking Bad
That job is probably stressful.
2. People describing their humor as random
It is very annoying when people describe their humor as random. It is almost the most annoying thing in the world. More annoying than Breaking Bad by a country mile. Breaking Bad tells a story at least.
3. Getting Stung By A Bee
Getting stung by a bee kind of hurts and it is usually something you are not expecting (if you are a person who expects to get stung by a bee then maybe this mitigates the pain to an extent). It is also a reminder that there is no peace and harmony in nature, only hostility and self-preservation.
4. The Green Album
There weren’t many moments so vividly felt as my anticipation of Weezer’s long awaited follow up to Pinkerton, a record that at the time seemed the apex of musical achievement and a universal yet precious and private soundtrack for clawing my way through High School. But then The Green Album dropped like a flaccid SCUD missile. Hope has been limping ever since. Expectations come with caveats now.
5. Eating Buffalo Wings
Buffalo wings are gross and chances are if you are eating them you have a backwards hat on and are about to kick my ass.
6. When People Call You “Boss”
My friend Mike mentioned this the other day on Twitter. He’s so right. People should not call each other “boss” except in the most literal of circumstances. Why don’t you just pinch my cheeks and give me a C- on my art project while you’re at it?
7. Working in Returns
When people try to return things they become hella brutish and aggro. They are often loud and blame you for things that are not your fault. They are piling straw on the back of your camel (in this case the camel represents your willpower and resolve). And one day? The camel will break down from the strain.
8. Fine Dining
Fine Dining. It’s a sham, my friends. Until you are a rich person you should not entertain a foie gras blindfolded taste test. These wolves can spot suckers and their “second cheapest bottle of wine” strategy a mile away.
9. Falling Down Stairs
This is so embarrassing (not to mention potentially painful). I’d rather watch a Breaking Bad MARATHON than fall down a flight of stairs.
10. This Joke I Just Heard
So a termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
11. Fumbling a football
Any sports related miscue is bound to be worse than the misadventures of a former highschool teacher turned meth cook, but fumbling a football is uniquely humiliating. You feel like a drunk baby as the pigskin falls out of your hands and bounces in weird directions. Some guy you hate is probably going to pick it up and make a touchdown and you’re going to feel super guilty the rest of the night. There are not enough Disaronno shots in the world to make you feel better about fumbling a football.
Useless planet. Dumb name. Breaking Bad is better than thinking about this redundant gas giant.
13. Unzipped pants belonging to you
The reason this is so bad is that you have to retroactively assign blame to all your friends who stood silent. Also your pants were unzipped. What are you? Some kind of dork who doesn’t understand how to work pants or somethin’? That’s what everyone thinks, at least.
14. Wolf Blitzer is so rich
Wolf Blitzer gets paid so much money. So much more money than you’ll ever see. Yes, his beard is cool. And his show is called The Situation Room which is badass if you want to grow up to become a CIA analyst one day. But the thing I keep coming back to is how dumb Wolf Blitzer is (and the $$$).
15. Wearing sunglasses at night
There must be some fancy Cicero type word for this cohort. I guess even a show that forces us to watch a woman choke to death on her own vomit has more redeeming qualities than people who go against the Design in such a brazen way.
16. People who still complain about the ending of LOST
Some folks think they are entitled to answers that would perfectly explain a show that is about a magical island haunted by a smoke monster. Come on, people. You know what the answer was all along? LOVE.
17. The Brothers McMullen
The Brothers McMullen was supposedly a great debut film by a promising new auteur by the name of Edward Burns. I watched it with high hopes. It turned out to be the worst movie ever. Say what you will about any other terrible movie (and there are many), but at least it’s not the Brothers McMullen.
18. YouTube comment threads
Yes. This is obvious. But for good reason. YouTube comment threads start bad, get worse, and invariably end up an open forum of white supremacist virgins, homophobes that can’t spell, and people who either really like or really hate Justin Bieber. It’s weird. Give me a montage of Skyler White doing accounting any day.
19. People hating on your beverage of choice
To borrow Hawthorne’s definition of sin, making snide comments about Blue Moon or your choice of cocktail is tantamount to “violating the sanctity of the human heart.” As the old creepy man would one day tell Homer, “That’s bad.”
20. Interpol (band)
Héctor Salamanca is capable of better onstage banter.