Ranking All 25 Of The New “Bachelorette” Contenders By Their Style Choices

Come on guys, a deep V-neck is not the way to begin your quest for a bride. posted on

ABC just released photos of all 25 would-be suitors competing on the new season of The Bachelorette.


Because, you know, the show is still happening. It will always be happening. And having undertaken a painstaking analysis of the guys’ outfits, here’s a list of their likely placement on the show — from the unlucky few falling at the first hurdle to new Bachelorette Desiree’s likely new husband.

(Except when we say husband we mean guy she’s temporarily engaged to for a few months before their inevitable breakup plays out in the tabloids.)

25. Nick.

Nick lists his occupation as “tailor/magician,” but he certainly couldn’t — wait for it, wait for it — CONJURE UP A BETTER LOOK. Or, you know, just make one himself.

Verdict: First night boot.

p.s. the jokes get better from here on out. Promise

24. Larry.

Looking more like a well-groomed member of the on-set catering staff than a real contender, Larry’s luck will likely run out as soon as the hors d’oeuvres do. (The crisp white shirt underlies his commitment to anti-perspirant however, which is to be commended.)

Verdict: First night boot.

23. Dan.

It’s never worth trusting a guy whose shirt design includes buttons just for the sake of it. Never. (It’s also never worth trusting a guy who needs to buy his pomade at Costco, though it’s worth dating him — when you’re not under reality TV show lockdown — for a while to stock up on kitchen roll and batteries.)

Verdict: First night boot.

22. Ben.

“Oh hi Ben I see you’re wearing a really big watch and there’s nothing else remotely interesting about your outfit so can you tell me what time it is?”
[Ben mumbles something because he looks quite meek and soft-spoken, doesn’t he?]
“Oh wait, never mind, I know what time it is: time you go home.”

Also note: more unnecessary shirt buttons.

Verdict: First night boot.

21. Chris.

Well it was really nice of Chris to fit having his promo photos taken into his busy mortgage broker’s schedule, but he clearly came straight from the office. And he’s got to head right back because the fax machine is acting up again. Typical!

Verdict: First night boot.

20. Brandon.

The problem with promo photos cropped from the waist up is that we’re left with the nightmare-ish possibility that Brandon’s wearing skinny jeans with his skinny-fit American Apparel tee. Skinny jeans and Havaianas, even. It’s just too much to worry about, really — finding love and a partner who won’t look better in your jeans than you do.

Verdict: It’ll all hinge on whether Desiree likes twinks, really. But seeing as she probably doesn’t, he’ll be an early boot.

19. Robert.

Oh great, another textured Apparel tee. Snooze.

Verdict: Realistically, Robert could wander off set at any point during filming and it would be a few days before anyone noticed.

18. Kasey.

See above re: Kasey’s presence. (Or, you know, the lack of it.)

Verdict: Kasey is looking for a “very good moraled fun girl” and this search somehow led him to reality TV. There’s no hope for him.

17. Diogo.

When a 29 year-old is still wearing Abercrombie & Fitch shirts, you know you’ll be playing beer pong on one of your first dates. “Oh no, I spilled Coors Light on your rose.”

Verdict: The outlandish guy you expect to be booted in the season premiere. He isn’t, but then he’s booted in the next episode and it’s a bit of an anti-climax after all.

16. Bryden.

In Bryden’s mind, the word hanger is associated not with clothes, but with steak. When you ask him to get the iron out he puts on a suit of armor and expects to play out some sort of kinky knight saves damsel in distress role-play. In other words, he’s not quite domesticated/is probably old-fashioned when it comes to gender roles.

Verdict: He’ll be sent home during a one-on-one date in the second episode when he asks Desiree to make him a sandwich and remember to cut the crusts off.

15. Mikey.

Less “looking for love” and more “looking to make out on the dancefloor of this rad new club in Ocean City #greygoose #fistpump”

Verdict: I think we all want to see Mikey in board shorts, but he’ll be gone after the requisite episode 2/3 pool scenes.

14. Mike.

“Roses are red
and so is my shirt.
Don’t break up with me
or I will get hurt.”

Soon after hearing this poem, Desiree will eliminate Mike. True story.

Verdict: London-born Mike’s presumably British accent will see him through a few episodes. But not many.

13. Will.

Just an old gym tee, huh? It’s almost as if Will realizes he doesn’t need to take the show seriously.

Verdict: Booted around the third episode, because that’s usually as far as the show’s non-white contestants can hope for.

12. Brian.

Shades of salmon pink worn two ways, how about that? (Bad pun: they’re certainly both fishy.) Regardless, Brian only brought that car seat-fabric blazer out for the most formal occasions back at the frat house, so that he’s dusted it off again suggests he means business.

Verdict: He won’t win, or even make it that far, but Brian is going to make an impression.

11. Nick.

Either button your shirt up or just let your chest carpet run free, Nick. This wishy-washy approach suggests you’re not ready to make a commitment.

Verdict: Canned at the fourth/fifth episode when Desiree realizes he’s not ready for marriage — or when she’s had enough of the plaid shirts.

10. James.

Sorry (not sorry) to announce that James quits the competition in the fourth episode and decides to marry me instead. Let’s just move on now.

Verdict: MINE.

9. Jonathan.

Who could bring themselves to say anything nasty about Jonathan’s green t-shirt when his mom picked it out and ran it through the drier twice with lightly-scented drier sheets so it smelled like childhood? No-one. (Secretly, though, Mom’s planning to sabotage his chances later in the game though, because her Lil’ Jon isn’t ready to leave home and settle down yet.)

Verdict: Mid-game elimination following that sneaky parental intervention.

8. Zack.

I think we’d all feel a lot more confident about Zack’s chances if it were clear he hadn’t paired this beachy aquamarine shirt with a pair of cargo shorts. It’s a legitimate concern. Zach’s teeth are beautiful, however.

Verdict: Tearfully eliminated at around episode six, say.

7. Michael.

Michael’s biceps are clearly (and justifiably) allergic to being covered by long sleeves. That’s all well and good for now, but will probably make for some awkward moments on the more formal dates down the line in the competition.

(Also, more aquamarine, which isn’t even on trend right now. Gosh.)

Verdict: Eliminated at the final 6-ish.

6. Micah.

Micah’s shiny almost-sure-to-be Express shirt is tucked into his jeans, and not even particularly neatly. In other words, he’s going to be the earnest/adorable tries-hard-but-never-succeeds kind of guy your great aunt with the beanie baby collection will be rooting for.

Verdict: Don’t get attached to this beautiful baby-face, because Micah will be a broken man by the time the tell-all reunion rolls around.

5. Juan Pablo.

A question on the application form for this year’s would-be Bachelorette contestants asks “Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do?” Seriously, that is a real question on the form.

Anyway, Juan Pablo left the question blank. Let’s answer it for him: “he would do anything for love, but he won’t button up his shirt.”

Verdict: Token foreign-born hunk in the final four/five.

4. Drew.

Drew is pretty enough that his outfits can stay this bland all season and he’ll still be fine.

Verdict: Goes home with Juan Pablo (above) in a shock late-game elimination after Desiree realizes they’re sharing clothes and that’s a bit creepy. Just look at their matching tees here, for example. And after all, this is a show about romances, not bromances.

3. Brooks.

Nonchalant layering and “too cool to care” stubble straight out of an Urban Outfitters catalog. But will The Bachelorette’s hausfrau-heavy audience be ready for a hipster?

Verdict: Final three/four, if not a finalist. Just like Brooks’ backcombed locks, though, there’ll be a split in the end.

2. Brad.

Brad may actually be wearing man jewelry. That is all.

Verdict: If it’s a watch, put Brad in the finals. But if it’s a chunky bracelet or some sort of man bangle, he’s gone on the first night. (Giving Brad the benefit of the doubt. Why? Biceps. They’re the best trend apparent in these promo photos, after all.)

1. Zak.

Any guy can make a musty brown polo from the Banana Republic factory outlet look good is a keeper.

Verdict: Calling Zak as the winner. Book it, bet on it, root for him etc.

A word of warning, though:

Bachelorette Desiree wore this frumpfest for her promo photos. So perhaps looks — or, you know, a sense of style — aren’t everything to her. SHE’S HERE FOR TRUE LOVE AFTER ALL.

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