1. Present your show at an actual pool so folks can lounge around, quite literally, while enjoying the proceedings.
Smart move, Nanette Lepore.
2. Or have a pirate-themed fashion show. The fashion world needs more of these!
This is the Maaji Swimwear show, a wonder to behold.
3. Print a wrinkly cat’s face on the back of your bikini bottoms. Because that’s always a good look.
A design from the Agua Bendita show.
4. Or embellish your swimmies with some gaudy religious iconography. Perfect for those hot tub Bible classes.
A look from the Beach Riot show.
5. Allow a child model to RULE the runways.
Look at this girl’s strut and learn from it; from the A.Z. Araujo show.
6. Paint Illuminati-style symbols on your models’ foreheads.
Makeup at the Mara Hoffman Swim show.
7. Also, yes, that’s America’s Next Top Model alum Stacy Ann Fequiere on the Mara Hoffman runway. You can’t go wrong with a Top Model cameo.
10. More crochet, this time with tassels and those little sea shells that look like puffy cereal.
From the Anna Kosturova show.
11. Also: show off your irridescent, Rorschach patterned sequin hot pants! These are amazing.
Also courtesy of the Indah show.
12. In fact, just throw a bunch of glitter around. Everybody loves glitter.
13. Invite swimsuit models Irina Shayk, Chrissy Teigen, and Hannah Davis to judge everyone else from the front row.
14. Invite these fabulous guests to your cocktail party.
That’s the Ipanema Cocktail Party, specifically.
15. And make sure to invite Dennis Rodman to sit front row and take lots of photos on his cell phone.
17. Accessorize your swimsuits with candy jewelry.
(And also with big bowties at the bustline.) These are looks from the aptly-titled Lolli Swim show.
18. Less successful lollipops: the grilled chicken wings served at events.
WHO EATS AT MIAMI SWIM WEEK? Seriously, who does that?
Ok, I would eat one (or five) of these Cuban sandwiches.
(After taking the pickles out.)
19. Design swimwear with tanlines more illogical than anyone else would think are even possible.
L—R: from Minimale Animale, Beach Riot, and the Aquarella shows.
20. Pretend to faint, I guess.
The runway at the Naila Swimwear show.
21. Just rip off the odd Kenzo design here and there.
L—R: a look from the Beach Riot show; a Kenzo sweater.
22. Or just design sweaters instead.
Good job; a look from the Minimale Animale show.
23. Take your closing bow with a model wearing a zany top hat, just like Slash.
Designer Caitlin Kelly and a model from her eponymous collection’s runway show.
24. Smuggle cocktails onto the runway in a shiny flask.
A detail from the Sauvage Swimwear show. Let’s all hope this is filled with Long Island Iced Tea.
25. Or design a clutch shaped like an S&M elephant.
You could also smuggle those plane-sized bottles of liquor in this, because who’d call you out? (A close-up from the A.Z. Araujo show.)
26. Book some acrobatic salsa dancers to perform a number before your show. Insist the male dancer is shirtless, naturally.
Entertainment courtesy of the Luli Fama show.
27. Or book actor Vincent De Paul to walk during your show.
This is the Raleigh swim show, and Vincent posing for photos afterwards like the model/actor he is
You might know Vincent from his recent roles in Girls and a made-for-TV Jodi Arias trial movie. Or, you know, you might not.
(He played a “New York Art Buyer” in a Girls episode, and “Travis Alexander’s friend” in the Arias movie.)
28. Note: the best part about Vincent’s appearance will be when he stands on tip toes backstage for photo ops with the other male models.
This is brilliant.
29. Round #2 of invites: shoot for Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian, because what is an event of this caliber without a Kardashian appearance?
30. Also: Real Housewives of New Jersey stars Melissa and Joe Gorga.
They’ll really dress up for the occasion.
31. Coincidentally, design clothes perfect for a Real Housewife of New Jersey’s walk-in wardrobe.
Also for a Real Housewife of Miami, many of whom were also in attendance. This is a look from the Caffe Swimwear show. Isn’t it wonderful?
32. Also wonderful: these booty-empowering silk dressing gowns.
This is some pre-show practise on the Nicolita runway.
34. Chunky gold jewelry like this.
(Also by Dolores Cortés.)
35. And chunky gold studded sunglasses like this.
(Again, by the wonderful Dolores Cortés.)
Fun fact: this is Dolores Cortés — on the right.
She’s also posing on her tippy toes, and is thus one my new favorite people.
36. Have some synchronized swimmers perform in their delightful floppy floral swim caps.
Pool antics during the Esther Williams cocktail reception.
37. Parade male models on the runway in Swarovski crystal-embellished trunks.
The Barraca Chic show, highlight of Miami Swim Week and, quite frankly, EVERY FASHION WEEK EVER.
38. And just totally ROCK OUT on the runway, even if such gestures make the model walking behind you a little uncomfortable.
Models closing the Indah show en masse.
39. In conclusion, Miami Swim week, where even the photographers go crazy!
Look at this wild double exposure shot during the Minimale Animale show.
It must be the humidity.
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