1. Abercrombie & Fitch celebrates the opening of any new store by unleashing shirtless hotties on the city in question.
2. They’re shirtless. That’s all they do.
3. But A&F take the caliber of their “greeters” so seriously that they don’t just rely on local talent.
4. They fly their finest sets of abs and biceps around the world, to make the best impression possible at each opening.
5. Like this.
6. And this.
7. And also this.
8. To fully explain just how big a deal their top-tier greeters are, A&F made some YouTube videos about them.
9. These are the “opening credits.”
EYE-opening credits if you know what I mean. You know what I mean.
It’s like The Real Housewives of Abercrombie basically — giddy privileged folks spouting soundbites they should have really thought about beforehand. Unfortunately “Life As A Greeter” only ran for two episodes back in February — here’s hoping for a longer second season — but offered deep and meaningful insight into its characters’ lives.
In other words, there’s a lot of abs on show.
11. The first episode quickly introduces A&F’s finest of the fine. This is Andrew, he’s from California.
Pretend he’s waving right at you, we’re all doing it.
13. And here are some twins whose names I didn’t catch because abs.
Also because they’re doing that hilarious twin thing where they pretend to be each other and it’s never made clear who’s who because this is an Abercrombie video and their identities are of no concern it’s all about their BMI.
There are also lots more guys, too many to gif or screencap when you work in an office where not everyone gets to spend their day watching A&F videos, basically. (Suckers.)
15. Anyway so this is the application process for becoming an A&F greeter apparently.
18. As the first episode continues, it’s made clear that all greeters have to do is stay ripped and they get to travel the world and ride buses shirtless and wave.
There’s a (worrying) short segment where they discuss the risk of being hit in the face by a branch on their special open-top buses. Because once the pretty is gone, your tour is over.
23. (And this is just one of the many “scenes” from the “episodes” that makes no “sense.”)
Nor does it need to.
24. With the story in place, the second episode discusses the deep bonds A&F’s greeters share. They’re not just gym bunnies, they’re linked 4 lyfe.
They give each other friendship bracelets and everything. Those crappy woven leather ones that would leave a stain on your wrist after you wore them to the pool, you know.
They all talk about how they can travel to each other’s countries and go stay with the native greeters and have shirtless sleepovers and massages because when you’re travelling you might have a heavy backpack and so it’s nice to work the stress of carrying that out before your back gets tense and knotted, you know?
Funny that, right? Almost as if the brand had planned for you all to look near-perfectly homogenous.
32. Ok yeah so they play a game of soccer and it’s full of giggly hijinks like this.
33. And it’s all fun and games until someone gets a ball in the balls.
34. Anyway that’s the end of episode #2
Presumably the model recovered.
It’s also the end of the “Life As A Greeter” series period, perhaps because they tried to film some more but all the greeters had gotten so close that they weren’t just sharing each other’s A&F sweatpants but they’d all moved in with each other and stuff and it was a bit weird to film because they had all these inside jokes and pet names for each other and the cameramen felt left out.