1. Ke$ha revealed some sidebutt in Givenchy. “Sidebutt” is now the new “sideboob,” apparently.
Ke$ha’s not wearing underwear. She’s not wearing zany makeup either. You decide what’s more unusual.
2. I almost can’t get over how fresh-faced she looks.
3. Lauryn Hill sang away all her prison blues with an energetic performance.
Actually, no, this is Prince wearing an outfit he borrowed from an old lady he met while playing slot machines in Atlantic City.
4. J.Lo also borrowed the costume for her performance from Atlantic City.
This has Jersey burlesque written all over it.
5. Earlier on the red carpet, J.Lo’s boyfriend, Casper Smart, had to stand at one side so she and her Zuhair Murad gown could get some photos solo.
He could just be her bodyguard, which would be weird until you remember he was only her backing dancer before they started dating.
6. Miley Cyrus looked fabulous in a Balmain jumpsuit.
Shame about the whole Bieber haircut thing, then.
7. Speaking of the Biebs, the leather tunic look might work for Gendry on Game of Thrones, but it’s less appropriate here.
At least we know how Taylor Swift feels about this outfit/Justin in general. (And on a different note, Gendry looks a lot better when he’s not wearing the tunic anyway.)
8. Also, these ridiculous drop-crotch things continue to happen when they really shouldn’t
You can’t even call them pants anymore. You really can’t.
9. Orianthi showed up dressed as Kid Rock.
10. And Kid Rock himself came dressed up as your dad, if you live in West Virginia.
11. Nicki Minaj limbered up backstage with some yoga, but then when she put her legs around her shoulders the spikes on her jacket ripped her leggings.
Another reason why yoga is terrible, basically.
12. Chris Brown wore some casual knitwear.
And a frown.
13. Only to be upstaged by Ed Sheeran in the IDGAF sweater stakes.
14. Taylor Swift wore a printed tee with a unicorn and the phrase “haters gonna hate.” As if anyone would hate on a unicorn.
15. One of TSwift’s Glee-worthy backing dancers stole a bottle of Rihanna’s old red hair dye.
16. And Pitbull got a wedgie on stage. Poor thing.
17. Back to the red carpet: This sort of attention-seeking fuckery stopped being fun circa 2009, “Z-LaLa.”
If that is your real name.
18. Enough, really.
19. (See above.)
20. Also circa 2009, Audrina Patridge and that chainmail blouse.
It’s like some folks turned up for just for old times’ sake. Or, more likely, turned up with out-of-date invites and the door staff were feeling charitable.
21. Hayden Panettiere showed off a sad, junior prom-worthy take on the half-shaved-head trend.
22. Ah yes, the half-shaved-head trend.
This is a girlband called 3rd Eye Girl.
23. And this pose needs to not happen. Just take your jacket off if your T-shirt is that great.
(It’s not that great.)
24. Also, this T-shirt is not that great either.
LMFAO-esque red-carpet antics don’t really work without Red Foo, SkyBlu.
25. Selena Gomez wore something involving glow sticks and sheer cutouts. It wasn’t great.
26. But then she wore a bindi again and that was much worse.
27. Tracy Morgan sparkled.
28. Skye Stevens matched his splattered pants with his sneakers, thereby destroying any of the edginess that paint-strewn denim can imply.
The sunglasses just make things worse.
29. Jason Derulo is buff now, and wearing sleeveless shirts to make us all aware of that.
No complaints here.
30. Fact: Neither of these people want to be here.
31. Another fact: Erykah Badu and Janelle Monae were competing to see who could include more accessories you’d more commonly find on curtains into their outfit.
It was a tie.
32. I thought this was one of The Wanted, but it’s not.
“Glad You Came,” Jackson Guthy. But no clue who you are.
33. There were things written on Lil Wayne’s pants but they don’t seem to make any sense.
34. Madonna’s ass warranted photos of its own.
35. Alyssa Milano’s ridiculous sheer pants make Avril Lavigne’s shin pads look like a sensible wardrobe choice.
36. Also, Shania Twain came to get married.
OK, no, she was just presenting an award.
37. In conclusion, this felt quite normal.
And when members of a Cirque du Soleil production don’t stand out, you know things have gotten out of control.