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99 Problems: Margaret Cho Explains How To Date Across Party Lines

“I don’t get conservatives but I have had friends who are (!) and we just argue and then I storm off. But we’re all just people anyway.”

Via http://Photo%20by%20Lindsey%20Byrnes

My girlfriend and I are both newly into cosplay (thanks to Game of Thrones) and we’ve recently introduced our costumes to the bedroom, if you know what I mean. The sex is great, and great fun… and we’ve even tried out more generic role-playing scenarios at her suggestion, to great success. I’ve been the repair guy, the quarterback, the priest even (but that was a bit weird). A slight problem, though: my girlfriend now seems a lot less interested in sex with the real, regular me. In fact, we haven’t had ‘normal’ sex for two months now. I’ve tried to raise the issue with her twice now, but she blew me off both times… what should I do?

Wow you guys sound like fun! But fantasy and sex sometimes can leave out intimacy — in a relationship that’s a problem, and often one that gets overlooked until it’s too late. An emotional connection is important and sometimes during heavy sex scenes that’s lost. I mean, I’ve been fisted and I’m like “where is the love?”

I’d say upping the intimacy is what it’s about for you guys, whatever that may mean to you: think about bringing intimacy into your daily nonsexual interactions so that you feel close and affectionate to each other. The closeness could help with the disconnected feeling that role play and other types of “advanced” lovemaking can bring. But keep up the good sexy times, too.

In this political climate, is it fair for me — a progressive liberal — to date someone who identifies as a “fiscal conservative” and plans to vote Romney/Ryan solely, at least so he claims, on that basis?

I’d say there are mixed political relationships that work. We all feel a little differently. I don’t get conservatives but I have had friends who are(!) and we just argue and then I storm off. But we’re all just people anyway; we’re all just trying to get by.

And what is a fiscal conservative anyway? It might be actually worse than a straight up social conservative, seriously, because social conservatives are defending their bizarre but dearly held beliefs… fiscal conservatives just love their money and don’t have any beliefs beyond that really. Keep working on him and see if there is a person behind the greed — who knows?

When I moved away for college, I hadn’t told anyone I was gay — even though it was probably obvious, and I’m sure my friends would have been cool with it. But I settled into life on campus and came out with little fanfare. Now fast forward five years and I’m moving back with my long-term boyfriend, because we’ve both got jobs in the area, and I still haven’t told any of my old friends back home. I feel like I’ve trapped myself in this situation where if I come out and introduce my boyfriend to them it’ll seem really overdue and they’ll be upset I’d not confided in them sooner (which, yes, I probably should have). How do I break the news?

I don’t think you have to say anything. Why should we explain ourselves? Just show up, have him show up, just be there. Be you. People will get it. It’s okay. We are only just ourselves always. I mean, I have never really been one for explaining. but if you think you need to, just say it. Simple as this, “Hey, I don’t know if you have met my BOYFRIEND” — and go from there. Just give a look like, “You should have known, right?” Or, “Everyone knows but you…” And then smile and then let them get to know him, and you all over again.

For the past 18 months, my husband and I have been members of a swingers club, where we attend the parties two or three times a month, and lately I’ve been noticing my husband gravitating towards the same — younger, and very attractive — woman each time we’re there.

We have a polyamorous relationship, but for the first time I got a little jealous… and asked the club organizer (who I’ve slept with once or twice at recent parties) about this woman. It turns out she’s a call girl paid to attend, you know, to up their “wow” factor. The organizer also told me that on the last couple of occasions, my husband has contributed to her attendance fee. I didn’t even think this would be possible given the nature of our open marriage, but is this an affair!?


Oh gosh, that’s a difficult question. I don’t know. I guess open relationships only work if you can always agree on how open they should be. Also prostitution is usually not generally involved in anything I’ve ever seen, so I don’t know… Is presenting your feelings just as they are to your partner out if the question? Perhaps going to the parties should be postponed until your boundaries are more certain.

You know that awkward drunken conversation you have with your boyfriend where you both disclose your sexual histories? I just had it with my new bf (we’ve been dating for four months, it’s going great) and I’ve realized all his previous partners are also Asian — I’m a Korean American girl, he’s the prototypical all-American guy. Should this be something that weirds me out? Because it does a little. Am I just his next Sailor Moon model?

I’d say that love happens infrequently and that if you feel it, or even if you’re just starting to feel it, then it’s fine. I’d say people have types that they are attracted to, and that isn’t always a bad thing. Again, communication and being clear about your feelings are most important. I don’t know what it means when we are attracted to certain people, and if it’s a racial thing, a social thing, a class thing — who knows? Love is love. But it does get complicated… so just make sure he doesn’t start buying you pleated schoolgirl skirts.

Lately, my boss at work has taken to calling me a cunt whenever he’s unhappy with my performance. I’m his only employee — he’s a well-known stylist and I’m the lowly assistant — and I don’t want to quit, because aside from his douchebaggery the job is great. Do I have any other options? (I doubt trying to have a civilized discussion with him would pan out well.)

This is unacceptable. It’s flat-out abusive to have someone say that to you. I’d say you should strongly protest, whatever it takes. I don’t think it’s right and you have to do something. Expose him!

Do you have a question for one of BuzzFeed Shift’s famous advice columnists? Write early and often to advice@buzzfeed.com.

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