2. All other plans are suspended on match day.
If your friends were really your friends, they wouldn’t even ask to do anything else.
3. You’re disappointed when people around you don’t know every song for every player.
4. If you don’t live in England, you’re more than willing to wake up at ridiculous hours to watch a match.
7am at a bar? No problem.
5. You will buy pretty much any piece of merch related to your club.
7. You spend way too long coming up with your fantasy team name.
8. You spend countless hours watching YouTube compilations of potential transfer targets and youth team phenoms.
9. A key player on your club forcing a move away feels as deep a betrayal as a real friend stabbing you in the back.
cue Gooner tears
10. You’ll even watch half-speed, meaningless preseason friendlies.
11. You either have or have strongly considered getting a club-related tattoo.
12. One podcast is not enough.
And that’s not even counting the CLUB podcasts.
13. If you’re gonna watch a replay of a match later, you go on a full media blackout.
14. You get irrationally upset about “international breaks” because they take time away from the important games.
And if anyone from your team is involved, all you’re thinking is “please don’t get injured, please don’t get injured.”
15. You think you might actually know who the Secret Footballer is.
16. Years of watching games (and playing Football Manager) have convinced you that you could run a club better than 90% of Premier League managers.
Everyone on Twitter also knows you think this.
17. You love to hate and hate to love Match of the Day.
thinks about Alan Shearer’s punditry sighs
18. Martin Tyler gives you goosebumps.
19. You say you hate the transfer window, but you still refresh rumor mill blogs and websites obsessively.
20. Even if they don’t play for your club, you’re upset to see marquee players leave England ‘cause you’ll get to watch them so much less.
22. Your club loyalties can even affect mealtime decisions.
23. One way or another, you have a very strong opinion about these two men.
24. No matter how old you are, you have no shame about wearing full kit.
25. And you have to get the updated kit each season. Even if it looks like this.
26. You try (but not always successfully) to get a handle on advanced tactics.
It’s okay, there’s only one Jonathan Wilson. Or maybe not.