1.
"Son you're just not cut out to be a mime." "Is it something I said?" "Yes."
2.
Steve: did u guys get a good pic of me Dave: ya dont worry Steve: which pic did u use Mark: dont worry about it
3.
ME: isn't this great?? WIFE: not really ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong
4.
[Sees bee on my wife's arm] Uh oh [I roll up a newspaper] Babe.. stay still.. (using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE'S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU
5.
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
6.
MEN REPLYING TO WOMEN ONLINE
7.
if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
8.
"THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. ARE U ALONE?" -YEAH, I GUESS I NEVER MET THE RIGHT GIRL, BAD TIMING MOSTLY. ALSO WORK IS HECTIC
9.
*someone hands me a baby* Oh... no thank you *places baby on the ground*
10.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
11.
This list reads like a Hugh Grant character introducing himself
12.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept making Linkin park references but in the end it doesn't even matter
13.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
14.
[shows up late for first day of new job] *blames it on rush hour* [shows up late for second day of new job] *blames it on rush hour 2*
15.
Food $200 Data $150 Rent $800 Candles $3,600 Utility $150 someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
16.
“Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden
17.
I never believed in reincarnation before but... Dad?
18.
accountant: "youre basically broke" wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff" me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"
19.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.
20.
"Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"
21.
- much ado about nothing - 2 much 2 nothing - much ado 3: toyko drift - much nothing - much 5 - much ado 6 - nothing 7
22.
The balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet except it's my parents yelling at each other because my dad's been taking a shit for over an hour
23.
If I owned an island, I would 100% call it: "Isle Of Itwhenyoucallmebigpoppa."