1. Retrieving any non-phone/wallet/keys item from under the couch.
2. Cleaning the fridge.
Just hold your breath when you go in for your next tallboy, right? Problem solved.
3. Wiping liquid off the floor.
“I’m gonna let my friend EVAPORATION handle that.”
4. Replying to an email with anything more than one sentence.
RIP meaningful correspondence.
6. Or even calling somewhere to get food delivered.
If it’s not on Seamless, then never mind.
7. Washing the appropriate dishes when you need them.
Need a bowl? A mug is basically a bowl. Plate? A paper towel is also a surface.
8. Going to (or even calling) a dentist when your tooth hurts.
It’ll get better on its own. Probably.
9. Walking the two extra blocks to your bank instead of paying a grey box $3.
10. Disposing of shower hair clumps.
Although, if “disposing of” means “removing from the drain and sticking on the tile wall,” then no problem.
11. Getting up to go to the bathroom once you’re in bed.
Nothing to see here, just ignoring NATURE’S INTERNAL SYSTEMS. All good.
13. Going grocery shopping at an actual grocery store.
A half-gallon of milk, some Cup o’ Noodles, and a few Klondike bars are all you need for the week anyway.
14. Looking at, or even opening, your bank statements.
Also: bothering to cancel getting paper mailings.
15. Taking your air conditioner out of the window, ever.
I mean, it’ll be hot again eventually.
16. Folding laundry.
Might as well just throw the whole pile on your bed and sleep on it, I guess.