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21 Reasons Going Shopping At The Mall Is A Terrible Idea

Capitalism is confusing.

1. Kiosk vendors are pushy.

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No, you cannot make me a model/put lotion on my wrist/straighten my hair. No. No no no.

2. There are just too many choices for everything. It’s very overwhelming.

3. Hypervigilant mall managers make you feel like you have to go out of your way to show how much you’re not stealing.

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I will place this pair of pants back where I found them. Very slowly and deliberately. Notice how I am not, in fact, putting them in my bag.

4. There’s math involved. Lots of math.

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5. Also you need journeyman cartography skills to decipher the directory.

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6. If you go during peak hours you’re guaranteed to run into somebody you know and that’s awful.

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7. Mean salespeople faces make you feel guilty for “just browsing.”

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8. You also feel judged for heading straight to the clearance section at your favorite store.

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9. Stores that are literally adjacent to each other will have a different sizing scheme, so your size will change depending on which storefront you’re currently standing in front of.

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10. The dressing room rules are different everywhere, so sometimes you spend five minutes waiting for an “attendant” who will never come.

11. Long dressing room lines make you feel like an overcompetitive stripper as you try to change before the crowd behind you gets too rowdy.

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12. When people ask you questions in the dressing room it makes you feel weird.

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How am I doing? Let me pull up my pants and I’ll get back to you on that.

13. Also if you don’t anticipate wearing exactly the right kind of bra or underwear, then trying on clothes is basically a waste of time.

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14. You also never know if you’re allowed to dip into the rejected clothes racks in the dressing room or not.

Swiper, no swiping!

15. Because people mess around with the displays so you spend an eternity sifting through to see if they have your size.

Spoiler alert: they don’t.

16. Because sometimes the mannequins look like people and that’s really not okay.

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17. When you go shopping with friends, it’s never clear if you should stick by their side or wander around a store on your own.

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And that feeling of utter abandonment when they wander off haunts you for the rest of the trip.

18. Or when you end up on the wrong part of an escalator bay and have to walk ALL THE WAY AROUND to get to the side that goes the right direction.

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19. The food court smells so good but is filled with things that are so, so bad.

20. The teens.

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21. Stores that inundate you with unwanted perfume smells.

You know who you are.

So in all seriousness, just do yourself a favor and order whatever you need online.

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Welcome to the 21st century.

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